Sorry I Kicked You Out of the Garden of Eden
In today's social climate, I've learned to not be hasty when judging people because I'm slowly learning that you humans frequently make mistakes.
Tag: Death
Forbes 30 with Under 30 Days to Live
Bruce has been a policeman for 40 years and retires in 27 days. If you know anything about law enforcement, he will certainly die on his last day.
Life Hacks for Safe Driving in the Snow and Ice
An essential precaution against these hazardous situations is making sure that you’re walking back toward your house before getting out on the road.
An Interview with Death, Winner of the Latest Season of “The Great British Baking Show”
Reporter: A rather strange turn of events, what with the death of all the contestants and the show’s top judge, Paul Hollywood's, disappearance.
Baby Yoda Running for the DNC, I Am
Linked directly to Climate Change, immigration is. Displaced by imperialist wars like your culture, many orphans have.
You Really Need to Get Box Seats for This Production in Order to Survive It
Admittedly, we were shocked when we noticed people who didn't spring for box seats were drowning below us.
This Pyramid Building Operation Is Anything but a Pyramid Scheme
If we work together, we can achieve anything! Specifically, a huge, triangular crypt for Pharaoh, through which he will transcend into the afterlife.
I Am the Old Man on the Stationary Bike at the Gym, and I Am Here to Fucking Crush It
I am simply part of the gym’s existence, like the water fountain and the ambient hip-hop music piped in through invisible speakers.
A Message from Your Friendly Neighborhood Military Industrial Complex
At only $117,000 a pop, the Hellfire II™ is perfect for when you need to make a splash without splashing too much cash.
Help Wanted for Covert Criminal Operation
Qualifications: Ability to fire one-liners and innuendo, as well as sex appeal. You don’t follow rules, but you live by your own personal code.
It’s Hard Being a Barbarian Hero in Downtown Manhattan
“Your plight reached me on LinkedIn: the posting spoke of your lamentation, of your need for a Client Data and Management Information Co-Ordinator!”
I’m Your Winter Cough and I’m Tired of Playing Second Fiddle to That Asshat Sneeze
Sneeze gets his own salutation but what do I get? Nada. Someone sneezes and everyone pulls a muscle trying to be the first to offer a “God bless you.”