I Am the Old Man on the Stationary Bike at the Gym, and I Am Here to Fucking Crush It
I am simply part of the gym’s existence, like the water fountain and the ambient hip-hop music piped in through invisible speakers.
Tag: Death
A Message from Your Friendly Neighborhood Military Industrial Complex
At only $117,000 a pop, the Hellfire II™ is perfect for when you need to make a splash without splashing too much cash.
Help Wanted for Covert Criminal Operation
Qualifications: Ability to fire one-liners and innuendo, as well as sex appeal. You don’t follow rules, but you live by your own personal code.
It’s Hard Being a Barbarian Hero in Downtown Manhattan
“Your plight reached me on LinkedIn: the posting spoke of your lamentation, of your need for a Client Data and Management Information Co-Ordinator!”
I’m Your Winter Cough and I’m Tired of Playing Second Fiddle to That Asshat Sneeze
Sneeze gets his own salutation but what do I get? Nada. Someone sneezes and everyone pulls a muscle trying to be the first to offer a “God bless you.”
From the Spider on Your Dashboard, with Love
At first, I was frightened of you, unsure of your intentions, and your driving style did nothing to calm me.
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town– Oh God, Hide the Cookies! He’s Here!
Billy, look at your mother! Tell me you hid the Milanos with Dark Chocolate Filling! Oh, my child... How could you?
Does This Crippling Existential Dread Make Me Look Fat?
This thing we call "life" is really just a painfully drawn out, cosmic joke. And I can’t tell if that’s what’s causing the bulge around my waistline.
It’s That Time of Year Again When My Seasonal Affective Disorder Kicks in and I Transform into Glargor the Cave Troll
Like Bruce Banner turns into The Hulk when he gets angry, I turn into Glargor whenever the concentration of Vitamin D in my blood dips below 15 ng/ml.
The Many Ways in Which My Startup Journey Parallels the Life of Jesus Christ
Through charismatic storytelling many began to follow us. We paid them nothing, but we did feed them.
From a Proud but Contrite Music Snob with a Secret Life to His Daughter in the Event of His Death
I need you to delete my personal Spotify account. As you browse the artists and titles in my library you will see why I need this to happen.
Behold! Der American Adventures of Das EuroDad!
Mein gott, his calves are whiter than the snowcapped peaks of the Swiss Alps. Achtung, baby!