A Letter to the Four Jars of Moldy Salsa Found at the Back of My Fridge
I hope that you will find comfort that while you are headed to the great serving bowl in the sky, your work on Earth will not be forgotten.
Tag: Death
So You Bought a Time Machine
Unfortunately, the use of our XR line to assist in a murder of anyone is strictly prohibited.
Impostor Syndrome at the Space Olympics
You are supposed to be here no matter what the Space Squids wrote on your locker in 4-dimensional ink that you had to get a Helper-Droid to translate.
Lines from “The Bell Jar” or My 7th Grade Diary?
“I’m absolutely sure that I’ve never cried this much in my entire life.” / “The day I went into physics class it was death.”
My Summer Internship Working for Dr. Mercurius Krunth, Mad Scientist
TIME Magazine once called Dr. Krunth, “a man mad enough to think himself a God while doing the work of the Devil.” All summer I would call him “boss.”
Please Stop Using Me, A Polar Bear, As the Poster Child for Climate Change
I wanted to send an official cease and desist but my lawyer melted in 2016 so now I have to speak for myself.
Dead Rock Star Bingo
"I can’t even remember a time in my life when I did not love [dead rock star]." / "Shocked and saddened..."
New Words for Complex Emotions in the Age of Trump
Quitticisim (kwit-??siz?m): The paralyzing decision to either delete or refresh Twitter every thirty seconds.
Recently Discovered Letters: USPS Collection Notices to Eminem’s Stalker “Stan”
Truth is, all of us at USPS are trying to reach you/Because you checked off premium shipping without paying for that feature.
Harry Potter’s Grief Letter to Dumbledore
I cannot forgive you for making me spend what would have been my final year at Hogwarts shitting in the woods.
Out-of-the-Box Ideas for Combatting Climate Change Since We’re Probably Doomed Anyway
Flood solution? Plastic bags. Let’s collect them all and combine them into one giant, country-crossing, water-catching, plastic bag.
Twitter’s New Color-Coded Guide to Trending Celebrities
Red and White – Said or did something stupid but not necessarily evil. Named their baby after their foot massager.