All the Things I’m Going to Ride Away From Thanks to the Ten Speed I Inherited When My Uncle Died
As I’ve come down with a bad case of wet-ass this summer (medical condition), Marcus could easily catch me and force me to share the bicycle.
Tag: Death
Dear Employees: Please Fill Out Fortune’s “Best Companies to Work For in 2019” Survey, or You Will Be Tossed Into the Fiery Lava Pit
The new Boiling Lava Pit contains molten volcanic lava from the island of Heimaey, because here at DigiTech --- Authenticity Matters ©.
I’m Not Like Other Girls, I’m a Reptilian Agent Sent to Destroy Humankind
I don’t dress for the male gaze. I dress to cover my biohazardous innards so no one detects I’m a heat-seeking scaled creature.
“Forrest Gump” or Jonestown?
"Oh, now, don't you be afraid, sweetheart. Death is just a part of life. It's something we're all destined to do."
Strong Female Leads I Could Absolutely Destroy at Arm Wrestling
Critics and moviegoers alike were enamored by Amy Adams’s "Arrival," but Amy should be fearing my arrival should she agree to face off arm vs. arm.
Updates From Your Facebook Group “Here’s To Your Health Anxiety”
After extensive testing of my symptoms by repeated Googling for “huge lumps neck cancer dying,” I’ve been self-diagnosed with a very rare tumor.
Who Wrote It? Immanuel Kant or Gary Gygax?
Everyone talks about Kant and Gygax without bothering to read them and their writing styles are very similar.
Open Letter to the Other Dad at the PTA Meeting with a World’s Best Dad Coffee Mug
ROUND 2: We will re-enact Alice Cooper's “School's Out for Summer” video shot for shot. Contestants may borrow as many eye-liner pencils as they need.
If the Earth Really is Warming, Why is My Wife Still Leaving Me?
The eggheads at NASA say that last year was the fourth hottest on record, and yet a polar vortex of Arctic proportions has descended upon my bedroom.
Tax Loopholes for the 99 Percent
If you and your partner are weighing the options of starting a family, consider incorporating your offspring as Limited Liability Children.
In Retrospect, Maybe It Was Kind of Obvious That Mitch McConnell’s Kink Was Being Torn Apart By an Angry Crowd
There were signs: Marco Rubio found Mitch had recently searched for “sexy outraged citizens tear male politician to shreds video.”
Now That Game of Thrones is Over, Can We Talk About the Very Slow Fire Spreading in My Home?
I bet firefighters loved it when the red priestess Melisandre lit thousands of Dothraki arakhs aflame. These days, people only care about fast fires.