Because We Care: Our New Corporate Wellness Program for Disgusting Pigs Like You
We care about your wellbeing because we don’t need your fat ass jacking up our healthcare costs.
Tag: Death
I Will Die Immediately If You Don’t Like My Fake LinkedIn Story
Instead of saying “Yes, would you be available on Friday?”, I accidentally replied, “You’re a disgusting pig, your entire existence is meaningless.”
We’re Saluting Maritime Erotica All This Month on Turner Classic Movies
All Hands on Dick, a film that French director Georges Méliès called, “The most stimulating cinematic treasure since my The Conquest of the Pole.”
If You Should Chance to Find This Message, Tell the World That I Did Not Enjoy the Last Episode of “Game of Thrones”
My lifeboat has sprung several leaks. They pale in comparison to the multitude of plot and character holes in this final season.
I Know the CEO of This Restaurant Chain is Personally Responsible for the Death of Your Wife But Their Fries are So Good
You wouldn’t take away my memories just because all of your memories of Mr. Bawk Bawk are of the CEO standing over your wife’s lifeless body?
What Your Smoke Alarm is Really Trying to Say
Three slower, sarcastic beeps: Random malfunction with tons of rhyme and reason, none of which will be revealed to you or any professional electrician.
Azor Ahai is the Coffee Cup in “Game of Thrones,” 100% Confirmed
Many viewers claim that this was an accident, but the truth is that every aspect of this show is meticulously planned including Ed Sheeran’s cameo.
Dreams Interpreted By Your Aunt From Massachusetts
Falling: Your subconscious is saying that you need to go back to school or enlist. You’re falling away from your stupid wakeboarding career.
How Bugs Kill Themselves
I know this is sugarcoated for the sake of elementary school curriculums but caterpillars do not transform into butterflies. They die in there.
I’m the Hot Doctor on This Network Hospital Show and I’m Breaking All the Rules Today
ALL of our doctors are SEXY, except for the uptight woman in neurology. Don't worry, she'll BECOME sexy when I convince her to take off her glasses.
Let’s Rebuild Our Infrastructure, U.S.A.-Style
If I were overseeing this initiative, I’d start with building more “natural” wonders. People seem to love lakes, mountains and caverns, right?
Creative Ways to Get Out of Conversations With Men Who Just Learned Who Nietzsche Is
Ask if his idea of the Übermensch is also white, ya know, like he is. No way to cut off an Aryan like bringing up the Holocaust.