11 Questions You Should Never Ask on a First Date at a Haunted Murder Restaurant
If you're at a loss for words upon finding the body of your waiter, Miguel, hanging from a meat hook, try to avoid asking obvious questions.
Tag: Death
Instructions for the True Crime Podcast Producers Investigating My Unsolved Murder
You probably want to spend one episode on how I was a loving husband and good friend who did nothing to deserve this, whatever "this" ends up being.
10 Ways to Make Grandma’s Physician-Assisted Suicide Family Get-Together More Fun
Blindfold the assisting doctor and spin the doctor around for a silly game of "Pin the Lethal Injection on Grandma."
Items That the Hip, Gentrifying Café Sells
Non-Metal Recyclable Straws: Metal won't cut it for us because it is prone to rust! So, we have created a straw made from bricks. Can brick rust?
How I Became an Instagram Influencer after the Zombie Apocalypse
Honestly, rediscovering Instagram after dying and reanimating as the insatiable undead has really put me in touch with my humanity again.
Christmas Letter from the Millers
When not studying, Teddy enjoys playing with action figures despite the fact that he's a grown man. Johnny, my feral child, fathered a couple of kids.
Updating Christmas Stories and Songs for the Modern World
"It’s A Wonderful Life": George and Mary’s kids, Pete, Janie, Tommy, and Zuzu, all die because George and Mary refused to have them vaccinated.
Thanks a Lot for Dumping Me, Your Big-City Fiance, In This Hallmark Holiday Movie
I didn’t know that a first date at a restaurant was inferior to slipping on ice in your heels and falling into the arms of your high school ex.
Seasonal Treats to Destroy Your Enemies, From the Belvedere Family Cookbook
Peppermint Razor Bark (p. 194): The easiest and most economical recipe, this sweet is great for either a time-sensitive soirée or a mass sabotage.
Help! My Emotional Support Python is Killing Me!
Maybe, if you roll up your in-flight magazine and hit him really hard on the nose with your free hand--- Oh, Saint Jude! He’s unhinged his jaw now…
The Joy of Painting Advanced Weapons Systems
Painting’s fantastic, because over the years, we know of hundreds of aircraft taken out by Stingers. And we’ve painted many, many, many of them.
We Were Young and in Love and It Was Nuclear Winter
After beating that mutant horde, do you remember how we just couldn't go any further and decided to picnic atop the fallen corpses of our enemies?