Belle’s Breakup Letter to the Beast
I need a strong, carnivorous lover, not a submissive creature of the field.
Tag: Death
I’d Like to Present an Argument Against Funeral Karaoke
Burton. Wendy. You can’t do a duet of “Something Stupid” as Jean is lowered into the ground.
Single Female Praying Mantis Just Checking Out Online Dating
I have to be me. I’m not going to stop eating the heads off of my mates after sex just because “the patriarchy frowns on it, Allie,”
The Orb in the Woods Kids
The orb seemed pretty observant, too, so no doubt everyone’s unique powers would shed new light on their natural strengths and underlying weaknesses.
Natural Killers: A Message from an Environmentally-Conscious NRA Member
The only drawback I can see here is that aluminum crumples up, so you’re going to want to make sure you don’t accidentally sit on your aluminum gun.
Your Horoscope Based on the Demon That Has Possessed Your Body
Once again it is that time of year when the hosts of Solvil go absolutely crazy. Everyone has that time of year where they just lose control!
Six Ways I Want Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson to Crush Me
In a handshake between him and a fellow Ballers star. Dwayne would gently cradle you in his palm before pressing you into the hand of Rob Corddry.
I Believe in the Rehabilitation of the Child I’m Asking You to Sentence to Life Without Parole
I’m not asking you to think about “scientific evidence” or “UN sanctions.” I’m asking you to incarcerate this child with your heart, like an American.
I’m Furious About What’s Happening in Our Country But I Have a Doctor’s Appointment On November 6th and Can’t Make it to the Polls
Until I can vote over Instagram, voting's just not going to fit into my schedule of work, doctor's appointments, and scrolling through Instagram.
I’ve Finally Made Sense of That One Article That Explains How to Be a Good Member of Society and Haven’t Seen Another Human in Six Days
“I’d suggest you go read the piece to understand the way you’re being pretty irresponsible about Current Social Issue.” My boss was ashamed.
The Things You Notice On Your First Run in a While
You notice a phalanx of tiny Greek soldiers inside your body and they're stabbing you in the lungs with their historically accurate iron spears.
This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus
It rains all the time and sometimes floods, but it’s never awful, so it wouldn’t surprise me if our Heavenly Father said this purely to make a fuss.