I’m a 9-1-1 Operator Who Loves the Movie “Titanic”
With all due respect, let me tell you what an actual emergency is: when Rose’s necklace went missing and they blamed poor Jack for stealing it.
Tag: Death
Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity
A skateboard is cool. No need for safety gear, either. You obviously don’t give a shit what happens to your grandkids, so a helmet would be confusing.
Humiliating: When Asked What I Wanted for My Last Meal, I Panicked and Said “Yo-Yo’s”
I thought that I was the king of murders that helped me achieve a sense of fulfillment, but it turns out I’m actually the king of awkward.
Excerpts from the Harry Potter Series, Reprinted in the Trumpian Translation
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: This one’s about people from different backgrounds coming together to fight for a greater good. Skip!
I’m Trying to Be a Supportive Field Hand, But I’m Sick of Listening to the Farmer Complain About the Curse a Witch Put on His Land
Every day the farmer moans about how he’s worried he’ll have no crops to sell this year and won't be able to afford his mortgage, blah blah blah.
Today’s Youth are Killing the Proud Tradition of Fighting for Honor and Glory in The Arena
Staring into a man's eyes as you plunge a dagger into them is what person-to-person skills are all about. What better way to learn these life skills?
We Must Remember Gulak the Baby-Eater as a Patriot, Not an Eater of Babies
Consider all the babies that Gulak didn't devour. This country is full of succulent babies that weren't eaten by Gulak at all, not even a little bit.
An Evening with General Custer’s Great-Great-Great-Great Grandson at Buffalo Wild Wings
Chesney stormed out of the gate, inhaling what must've been 25-30 wings in the first two minutes. Drums, flats, didn't matter.
If Not Now, When? The Case for Allowing Hurricanes Back to Our Coastlines
Don't hurricanes matter too, despite destroying entire communities? To me, justice is not shaming the Hurricane forever and ever until the end of time.
Escape Rooms Inspired By My Mother-in-Law
Can you stop this off-key, off-off-off-Broadway show before the woman who says you aren’t good enough for her son plugs in her karaoke machine?
Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum, Will You Give My “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Spec a Read?
You’re talking to the guy who read a few passages from Aristotle’s “Poetics,” but also read the Wikipedia summary several times.
How to Make an Atom Bomb While Your Roommates Are Out of Town
Use a plastic spatula to separate the heavier U-238 isotopes on the outside from the lighter, fluffier U-235 isotopes in the center.