My Parents’ Obituary
The Cullens are survived by their only daughter, Simonne, who said, "At least they died doing what they loved most: arguing...and buying other people's junk."
Tag: Death
10 Simple Death Hacks You Need to Know
Being stuck in a human-sized box six feet under ground for all eternity gets super boring after a while. Here are 10 ways to look good and keep busy, even in death.
On the Dangers of Immortality
With the advent of thousands of miraculous new medicines, the danger of immortality is very real and growing faster than ever.
My First Day at the Cemetery
My biggest fear at the cemetery was getting beat up at lunch, an occurrence that I had yet to witness happen to anyone on any of my other first days of digging holes.
iSorry, But Steve Jobs was a Dick
What Steve Jobs did was create an army of narcissistic, self-centered, self-absorbed, zombie clones by sucking their very souls into his world like Shang Tsung.
An Open Letter to the Dead Girl
Yeah, you—the girl whose picture is plastered all over my yearbook. Just because you’re dead. What makes you think you're so special?
We’re All Dying a Slow, Electronic Death
You ever realize how as you get to know someone better, your level of punctuation and capitalization on emails and Facebook and stuff gets progressively worse?
You Can’t Charge a Dead Man
<p>Student loan debt is something to which any college student can relate. By the time most of us graduate (or drop out, or flunk out), we will be in a fantastically ridiculous amount of debt.
Capital Punishment Network Investment Opportunity
At CPN, we wish to broadcast the death penalty on television, not to deter crime (it's been proven that the death penalty has almost no effect on crime rates), but to provide the highest quality entertainment for our viewers. Now is your chance to get in
What to Do About Brains
Once again, you confront the fiendish "brain in a jar" that has taken over your life. And what happens? You lose your nerve, and the brain wins again.
Top Ten Uses for a Dead Cat
Dead cats can be just as much fun as alive cats!
Nobody Likes a Dead Dog
Personality goes a long way for a dog. If we loved the cock just as much, it might be totally uncool for them to fight, too.