I’m the Pinch Pot You Made in Third Grade—Why Won’t Your Mother Let Me Die?
I looked around: Pristine bowls, with smooth edges, not a pinch in sight. My exterior sports at least seven visible fingerprints and a hole that slowly leaks.
Tag: Death
A Strongly Worded Email to Amazon from Me, an Evil Genius Billionaire, Because the Shark Tank Filter They Sent Me Was Broken
What do you people want from me? To jump in my bald-eagle-shaped submarine and hand-deliver it to one of your warehouses?
A Note About Misogyny in Rom-Coms from Me, a Woman Who Only Listens to Podcasts About Murdered Women
Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy and sacrifices everything. How are we supposed to change society if we keep glorifying these shitty images?
Sorta but Not Really Scary Emails That Jason Vorhees Sent Me in Lieu of a Good Old Fashioned Machete Slice
You think I didn’t see your ass (which was nude) swimming in Camp Crystal Lake? You know I drowned in there? That’s just disrespectful.
Which Sibling Has to Do the Eulogy?
The oldest child doesn’t have to do it, that’s a myth. Of course you believe that, you thought chlamydia came from kissing in the dark until you were 14.
I Hath Avenged Thy Foul and Most Unnatural Murder, But I Am Still in a Fairly Bad Place Myself
‘Twas something of a bloodbath, all told, but was this not what thou asked for? Well, Happy Father’s Day.
Top Ten National Parks for Experiencing an Existential Crisis
Acadia: Remember when life felt like the boundless ocean view at sunrise from the top of Cadillac Mountain?
Dracula Regrets Opening Up His Marriage
I was the one who asked for it, and I had a lot of success at first: one, two, three! Three brides! Ah, ah, ah!
Why Getting a Motorcycle Is Worth the Risk of Leaving Your Family Behind in a Tragic Accident
Any day can be your last and your family knows that. Next time your kids think of talking back to you, they'll picture you not being here anymore.
I’m a Legendary Matador Whose Passion Is Shopping at Costco
I clench my butt cheeks tightly and strut past an elderly couple, pulling on the front of a cart, sweeping it alongside my body.
Financial Planning for the Jigsaw Killer
Three tricycles, $170.00? What does a man need with three tricycles? I’ve never once seen him exercise!
Ethan Frome’s Depressing-as-Fuck Hometown of Starkfield, MA: Historic Snowshoeing Tour
Is the desolate fucking melancholy setting in yet? That was a rhetorical question. Sorry. I need a new job.