Relax, I Was Only Hospitalized Because My Bookie’s Hired Goon Shot Me Three Times
I was not leaving my house, both to avoid getting infected with COVID-19 and to avoid running into Joey “Iron Fists” Cachatolli.
Tag: Doctors
Help! My Head Is Being Consumed by an Octopus, But the CDC Says I Can’t Touch My Face
I’d ask someone to save me from this giant octopus, but how do I know their hands aren’t contaminated?
An Open Letter to the CDC about the Coronavirus Which Is Spreading in My Office, I’m Just Sure of It
He says he got a "nasty case of sunburn" from his "trip to Hawaii," but I'm no idiot. I can tell that he too is suffering from coronavirus
Guess What, Survivors of the Viral Apocalypse? My Paper Mask Worked!
And who is left? Just us free-thinking, illogical, hypochondriacs, doomsday preppers, and Hulk lady. So, I'm just gonna go there : I told you so!
Human Infant Parenting Tips from the Year 3521
Clear your neural browser cache before interfacing with your child’s subconscious. Good neural hygiene begins in your own prefrontal cortex!
Now That He’s Gone, I Can Share the Truth of How My Father, Mr. Peanut, Killed My Mother
Growing up, he was a hard legume to love. He showed no emotion, said very little, and was constantly traveling for work.
I’m Your Winter Cough and I’m Tired of Playing Second Fiddle to That Asshat Sneeze
Sneeze gets his own salutation but what do I get? Nada. Someone sneezes and everyone pulls a muscle trying to be the first to offer a “God bless you.”
The Six Types of Belly Button
You have a sense of inferiority to people with innies, but a sense of superiority to kangaroos and other marsupials that lack belly buttons.
Everyone Who Has Seen Ever Me Naked, Ranked
Bra-Sizing Woman: She looks young, maybe eighteen, and I wonder to myself if this might be illegal.
Military-Grade Germ Precautions to Take Against Your Highly Contagious Boyfriend
The situation has changed, soldier. You’ve shacked up with ultimate germ vector: A human male.
Mysteries Involving the Rich and Powerful
The doors and windows are all open and the room is empty except for a puddle of water under the body. How can this be?
Bullets Beg America: Please Stop Bullying Us!
Okay, we’re a large part of literally every war, but so are doctors and no one blames them.