Donald Trump

Tag: Donald Trump

Item Removal Charge: 660 million expired, room temperature vaccine doses. Attached note: “SEND BACK. Already had virus!”

Every time I’ve been to a dinner party with our president, he sits next to my problematic uncle, and they talk practically in unison.

For four years we've turned a blind eye to the despicable actions Trump has taken. It's time we focus the discussion squarely on him for once.

I have been crewed to the Ba Ba Buoy, as fine a ship as exists. She is equipped with not only White Claw, but also Truly Hard Seltzer & Twisted Tea.

“My good friend General Tojo, who is very respected and very highly uhhh... I guess thought of, is going to bomb Pearl Harbor tomorrow."

Subsequent to receiving this letter, you will hear ABBA songs inside your head everywhere you go, no matter what you happen to be doing.

At night, my bath was too hot, I got hand sanitizer in my eyes, and I had to isolate in my presidential railroad-train pajamas. I hate those pajamas!

Problem: Polio Cure: Jonas Salk’s polio vaccination. Worse Problem: Finding out your favorite celebrity thinks vaccines are worse than polio.

In Mayr-a-Layrgo stood Pootin, who existed before the primaries. He sits upon a giant steed, wearing pants but no shirt, chest oiled for some reason.

Look at my new MacBook Pro, which was purchased with the Bloombucks Mike sends me simply for writing stuff like “Mike knows how to get things done.”

I spoke at the Republican National Convention for Trump! What more do I have to do to prove that I’ll do literally anything?

“Article II Looks Good On You” (The Journal of Bizarre Constitutional Arguments, December 2012)