I'm sure my cellmate would tell all the other prisoners how good of a lay I was, and next thing you know, all the Spring Creek State Penitentiary and Correctional Facility would be lining up for their chance to put their balls in my baby-hole or my food-h
Everywhere, everyone is high-fiving, all the time. All the jocks and popular kids who used to make fun of you in high school are all in a room somewhere right now, high-fiving each other.
Now, let me be the first to say, I always thought marijuana was for hooligans, whippersnappers, hippies, and negroes. But Dr. Jewstein told me that this marijuana has been researched and is safe and proven to temporarily provide relief for my glaucoma.
Hey, remember when we had sex a while back? Well, um, I don't know exactly how to say this, but recently I was diagnosed with a rare strain of herpes. Specifically a canine strand of the herpes virus... 'dog herpes.'
If you will permit me, I have some fantastic news to share with you all: I have decided to pursue adult film acting. I’m going to be a porn star!
I'd like to apologize to you for my actions the other night. I let the whole orgy down, and I understand a few people are still in the hospital.
HAY MAN IT’S ME CARLTON WHAT’S GOING ON-- OH SHIT I THINK I’M SUPPOSED TO TYPE THE MESSAGE IN THE EMAIL BOX BELOW, NOT THIS SUBJECT BOX!
I’m sorry for stabbing you in that gruesome prison yard bloodbath, and I’m going to learn and grow from this experience. Please accept this letter of apology.
Let’s cut the fucking bullshit: I fucking hate cavities more than anything in the world. And I will not rest or die until every cavity is gone from the face of this Earth.
Ron Jeremy helps average folks just like you get through the rough times with his motivational speech, "Life is Wonderful." (Plus free Q&A advice!)
From now on, I don’t steal babies from people unless I’m going to be friends with them for LIFE.
We totally thought the guy who burst into the bank with a loaded gun was joking. But if he insists on one thing, it's that he's not.