Suggested Reading for Your Not-Woke-Enough 6-Year-Old
The Little Engine That Lost Its Medicare - After losing a spoke while transporting cargo, The Little Engine is no longer able to afford repairs.
Tag: Expressions
How to Get to Places Other Than Carnegie Hall
How to get to Music Hall of Williamsburg: Practice, check into rehab for heroin addiction, practice some more.
What to Say When Someone Grabs Your Hand to Ogle Your Engagement Ring
"The stone was my Great Aunt Shelley’s! But keep that to yourself... if she knows I stole it from her, she’ll cut me out of her will."
“Forrest Gump” or Jonestown?
"Oh, now, don't you be afraid, sweetheart. Death is just a part of life. It's something we're all destined to do."
Offensive Tweets From Jerk Birds
ka-ha-ka-ha kuk-kuk-KUK | Translation: I’ve got nothing against European starlings. They should just go back where they belong.
Other HUD Terms Secretary Ben Carson Finds Confusing
FEDERAL HOUSING ADMINISTRATION (FHA): A liberal conspiracy to make everyone live in hippy communes.
Incomplete Drafts of My Cover Letter for a Summer Internship
Dear Joan, I looked up your name on LinkedIn---because that’s how much I care about this job. I seriously need you to hire me.
Welcome to Nextdoor Fight Club, Where You Must Turn Every Topic into a Fight
Rule 3. There are no limits to the number of people in a fight. The nature of our discussion board means that 15-100 people will typically join in.
A Guide to Nonthreatening Celtic Symbols
Circle With A Line: A symbol which has negative connotations, thanks to the Ghostbusters. If you put this on a face, it could be seen as “cancelling.”
Ready-to-Use Instagram Copy for the Contemporary American Female Yogi
Let go. Really, just let go. The truth will come. Sometimes a fart will come. A fart is just another kind of truth. #yogaeverydamnday
Maybe She’s Born With It. Maybe…
Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she reads the whole New Yorker article instead of giving up after the third paragraph like some people I could mention.
In This House, We Say Merry Christmas
When other people say, "Could you point me towards the restroom? Please hurry, I really have to go," we say, “Merry Christmas."