Now’s Not the Time to Bring Up the Buzz Lightyear Toy Up My Ass, Right?
Things are changing in our country. But one thing that remains constant, however, is the Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck up my anus.
Tag: Facebook
Shelter-in-Place Humblebrags That Make Facebook More Insufferable Than Ever
Lists of songs to help with the sheltering process: Clearly the goal is to convey the refined but also insider-quirky tastes of the poster.
“Go Ahead and Delete Facebook, But Good Luck Remembering When Your High School Bully’s Birthday Is” by Mark Zuckerberg
Facebook was started so I could have a way to stroke my wires to pics of humanoid-looking girls way out of my league—but don't tell Congress that!
How to Tell Your Barista You Got a Keurig
Pull your wallet out when paying and flash your cute family photos. Have the last one be a photobooth selfie of you and your Keurig.
How to Fake Your Own Death to Avoid a Multi-Level Marketing Consultant
Gather your family and friends in a Wi-Fi-less underground shelter and give them an envelope disclosing which part of the Andes you’ll be hiding in.
Last Minute Recipe Pitches from My First and Last Day on Our Food Site’s Social Video Team
Super simple baby carrot white bread casserole / Mocha eggplant cheesecake / Sweet salmon sausage scramblinies / Bok choy bread domes
2020 Social Media Oscar Winners
Best Direct Message: Brent Stanko for 1:26am Christmas eve message to ex-girlfriend: “Saw you’re home, would love to reconnect!!”
TV Critic Reviews Depressive Episode
Despite the strong start, the episode quickly falls into cliche depression troupes, especially when we see Carly’s small studio apartment.
New Streaming Services to Look Forward to in 2020
Pfizer Video: $6/month, $720/month without insurance / Costco Flix: $17/month, but only if you agree to stream all the movies together at once
Wait, Michael Bloomberg Is Now “Mike” Bloomberg?
Previously criticized Medicare-for-all as unaffordable. That's a hard "Michael." Announces "it's a JEEP day!" when the weather is nice. Solid "Mike."
I Got into CrossFit but I Already Told Everyone I Know—Should I Quit?
The confirmation page for my gym hadn’t even loaded before I put out a group text to my closest friends telling them that I was a CrossFit guy now.
Hold the Phone, Wife and Husband Are Also Best Friends?!
Spending the night with your wife is now HAVING A SLEEPOVER WITH YOUR BESTIE. Dinner dates are now EATING WINGS WHILE YOU GOSSIP ABOUT NON-BESTIES.