Declaration of Independence from My Toxic Roommate Terrence
The history of Terrence is a history of repeated injuries and not splitting utility costs, all having in direct object the establishment of a tyranny.
Tag: Facebook
Quotes from Arthur Miller’s “Death of an Influencer”
"Pop, I have no platform! I have no platform, Pop! Can't you understand?"
I Explain Social Media to the Ghost of My Great-Grandfather
"That resembles nothing of a telephone, and I should know, I once lost a beloved terrier to Alexander Graham Bell in an ill-advised wager."
I’m Julius Caesar’s Haircut, and Please Leave Me Out of This
Do not allow my legacy to be tarnished by an out-of-touch billionaire who is disseminating white supremacist content over the internet.
Obvious Money Saving Tips for Millennials
Instead of buying a latte, deposit $5,000 in an IRA. Do that every single day and within less than a year you’ll have nearly a million dollars!
Posts in Your High School Reunion Facebook Page
Anyone know what jail Tommy is in? Maybe we could bring the reunion to him! Would be like the good ole days!
Why Aren’t Tech Companies Taking More of My Data?
I hear people claim the internet is watching their every move, and I say "Are my moves not worthy?"
Stop Putting Mixtapes in Teddy Ruxpin
It’s really nice catching up like this, but I do feel like we need to have a little talk, bear to man.
Honest Engagement Cards
I know we aren’t particularly close, but we do have a ton of friends in common, which means it would be a lot of fun for me to go to your wedding.
Area 51 Raid Packing Essentials
A stolen bomb squad dog to sniff out the aliens. (They probably smell kind of like TNT.) Your grandmama Ellis’ necklace, so you can be buried with it.
Steven + Madison, Forever
There were so many things I wanted to tell you while I was twelve, and now I’m thirteen and don’t have the balls---I’m all sweaty pits and dry mouth.
Dear Valued Offspring, Before You Leave for College, Please Take a Moment to Fill Out This Customer Satisfaction Survey About Your Upbringing
How would you rate the attitude of our management team? Overall did they seem motivated and alert?