An Open Letter to the Friend Who Merely “Liked” My Happy Birthday Post on Facebook
I thought long and hard about what kind of birthday message to send you. Then I waited for what seemed like decades to receive your reply.
Tag: Facebook
How to Deal with the Tragedy of Losing a Friend on Facebook
Hey, guess what? You just lost another friend on Facebook. And it wasn't an accidental click or a computer glitch either - it was you.
End of Year Top 5 Lists By Every Annoying White Guy on Your Facebook Feed
Hey Facebook! I know no one asked for this and none of you care... but I'm self-centered and annoying so get ready for my must-miss lists!
The 3 Social Media Posts You’ll See on Your Feed Right After the Holidays
Get ready for that not-so-candid "candid" photo by the Christmas tree of the bride-to-be looking up at her 2-inch-taller groom like he's on a ladder.
An Open Letter on Maturity to Jonathan from His Penis
I've had it. The picture of me in your "cool" MeUndies boxer briefs that you just sent to eleven different women really pushed me over the edge.
4 Reasons You Will Fall Asleep During Sex in Your 20’s
Rejecting the opportunity to Google duck penises all night on the internet just to have sex with someone is a slap in the face to Bill Gates.
A Response Letter From Mark Zuckerberg’s Newborn Daughter, August
Hey Dad, I just want to reassure you: I'm not worried about the future. Not even the tiniest amount. Because I'm going to inherit billions of dollars.
Just as Mark Zuckerberg Had to Drop Out of Harvard, I Too Must Drop Out of This Pottery Class
I know this decision has alienated a lot of people. And I'm sorry I shattered Bethany's clay pot on the floor while calling her "talentless swine" the other week.
Mark Zuckerberg Introduces Facebook Bona Fide for $8/Month
For just $8/month, Facebook Bona Fide will allow users in the six travel-banned countries to make up to 12 Bona Fide friend requests each month to users in the US.
I’m Sorry I Blocked You On Facebook But I’d Like to Continue Sleeping Together
I don't see why we can’t continue to to do sex even though I’ve terminated our Facebook friendship. After all, it’s called "friends with benefits," not "Facebook friends with benefits."
You’re My Boyfriend Now, It’s Squatters Rights
Hey Ted, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we are legally in a relationship now, according to my squatters rights as applicable to relationships in the State of California.
You’re 33, I’m Not Coming to Your Half-Birthday Party
My niece is seven, and half-birthday parties are barely acceptable for her. And she’s a goddamn princess. Are you a princess, Lou?