I’m a Seed and How Dare You Assume I Want to Germinate Inside of You
Do you really think that I, a gorgeous seed full of immense potential, want to hinder my growth by spending all of eternity in your intestines?
Tag: Food
On This Diet, You Can Eat Anything (As Long as It’s Incredibly Time-Consuming to Prepare)
It's simple: if a recipe involves fewer than 52 ingredients, you're not allowed to eat it. Or if it takes fewer than 83 steps or 5 hours to prepare.
Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee!
Before coffee, I’m, like, a zombie feeding on its own, like… brains or whatever, and struggling to complete straightforward zombie analogies.
Scooby Doo’s Best Man Speech at Shaggy’s Wedding
Raggy rand I go way, way back. Trust me, rin dog years it’s reven ronger. Reven times ronger. Reah.
You’ll Love Our Newest Resort, You Lazy Fuck
Our friendly staff will welcome you in the lobby, where we’ll happily carry your bags for you. Look at you pretending you’re about to help!
The Simple and Effective No Cookies or Wine Diet
The only exception to the wine rule is for post-work networking drinks. You don’t want to make the other person feel bad about drinking wine!
Do You Have the Cognitive Fortitude to Be a Cashier at Crazy Dave’s Wieners?
What is the correct spelling of the fermented cabbage that sometimes goes on hotdogs? Sauerkraut, Sourcrowt, Serrkreet, Soorkroot, or Kimchi?
An Appeal to the Committee’s Ruling That Candy Is Not a Breakfast Food
I was never properly notified of the existence (and have yet to receive a copy) of the complete list of the committee-approved breakfast foods.
Royalty-Free Podcasts So You Don’t Have to Hear Another Quip Ad
Celebrity Talking Over Celebrity: For those of you wondering, what’s that actor from that movie doing these days? Well… it’s this!
How a Work Trip to the Hallmark Christmas Universe Royally Fucked My Marriage
I apologize, she giggles and our shared weakness for Snickerdoodles suggests we will fall madly in love by Christmas. Her name is Lacey Sherbert.
Are These Family Gifts Third-Party Seller Garbage, or Legit Holiday Treasure?
Was the Fanny Fay Fruit Cake Great Grandma Wrapped Up and Brought to Dinner from a bakery trash can or Fanny Fay Old Folks Home’s Charity Bake Sale?
Why My Girlfriend Should Consider Buying Chocolate Advent Calendars Again
I promise no more pretending the calendar’s a ventriloquist dummy with Jersey accent when I have my fingers inside Santa’s slot.