Word Problems for Millennial Post-Grad Trips
Steven, traveling solo, wants to post an Instagram of his ravioli. But Germany is 6 hours ahead, so he risks his picture bombing if he posts it now.
Tag: Food
A Letter to the Four Jars of Moldy Salsa Found at the Back of My Fridge
I hope that you will find comfort that while you are headed to the great serving bowl in the sky, your work on Earth will not be forgotten.
I’m a Proudly Ambitious Burmese Python, but I Think I’ve Made a Huge Mistake
It is so very, very stuck. Goddamnit, Frank. Goddamnit. You just had to eat the whole thing, didn’t you? You know better than to try shit like this.
12 Tips for Integrating Invasive Species into Your Great Lakes Destination Wedding
Consider adding custom lace and sequins suggestive of gills and scales. Guests will soon forget the piles of rotting fish heaped on the shoreline.
A Hip Dad’s Guide to Befriending the Server
The main responsibility of any dad in a restaurant is to spout off a consistent stream of comedy gold. So many antics!
Please Stop Using Me, A Polar Bear, As the Poster Child for Climate Change
I wanted to send an official cease and desist but my lawyer melted in 2016 so now I have to speak for myself.
No, Our Restaurant Was Not “Shut Down,” We Are Simply Pivoting
Our organic farm-to-table eatery is now also BYOM (Bring Your Own Meals). That’s right. You bring the food, we bring the vibes.
How to Grocery Shop When You’re Too Fucking High
The first thing you will notice is that there are a lot of sober people at grocery stores. Can they tell you’re stoned?
How to Bake Humblebrag Pie
It’s so easy! Even Adam Driver baked a humble pie when he came over my large home today.
This High-Rise Elevator Is Also My Apartment
Let me wipe off the shaving cream and stow my kit bag where the emergency phone used to be.
Secret Meanings of Knife and Fork
Knife and fork pointed emphatically at the waiter’s throat: A not so subtle way to show that you didn’t enjoy the service.
I Will Not Apologize for Wearing My Sleep Apnea Mask to Our Third Date
Also, need I remind you, I didn’t try to lasso the waiter with it---I did lasso the waiter with it.