There’s a Monster Living in My Butt and He Won’t Let Me Eat Dairy
He sounded just like Danny DeVito. He spun in a circle three times fast and jumped right back up in my butt-hole. I didn't even feel it.
Tag: Food
Rating the Chicken Fingers at Five High-End Restaurants
This fusion spot is known for its pan-seared foie gras with mustard seeds and green onions. But that sounds gross, we want chicken fingers!
Are You a Real New Yorker or Just a College Intern?
Mixed up bodies of water, and when your friend from out of town visited, confidently pointed towards Hoboken and said, “that’s Brooklyn over there?”
Hozier Songs That Made Me Cry in the Taco Bell Parking Lot
I forgot my Fire, but I found a packet of Mild sauce at the bottom of my purse. Is that enough? Will that get me to the place I need to reach?
At Cookr, We Want You Back!
(March 5, 10 PM) Our analytics tell us you visited our website recently, but you still haven’t re-subscribed to COOKR. Why not?!
Romantic Advice From a Plump Young Hen
You name it, I’ve been through it. Casual flings. True love. Nits. Pink eye. And I’ve been a truthteller and a trendsetter through it all.
New York Rats Are Writing Cover Letters Now? This Needs to Stop
"I don’t have any fancy degrees. I’ve never read Murakami. I’ve never read anything, actually. I can’t speak English and I’ve bitten people."
Because We Care: Our New Corporate Wellness Program for Disgusting Pigs Like You
We care about your wellbeing because we don’t need your fat ass jacking up our healthcare costs.
I Thought I Loved Derrick to the Moon and Back, But We Still Have 318,000 Miles Left in This Voyage and I Think I Might Kill Him
I thought space was going to be the most romantic time of our 10-month relationship. That’s why I got three new rompers and a bikini wax.
A Response to Allegations of Cookie Stealing in the Post-Truth Era
The crumbs on my face, the milk mustache, the hand entirely within the cookie jar—these are all circumstantial and prove nothing. NO COOKIE!
The Meaning of Life
The meaning of life is being in a bathtub, no matter what the circumstances are. It’s joining a group to roll a beached whale back into the sea.
I Know the CEO of This Restaurant Chain is Personally Responsible for the Death of Your Wife But Their Fries are So Good
You wouldn’t take away my memories just because all of your memories of Mr. Bawk Bawk are of the CEO standing over your wife’s lifeless body?