I’m Just a Bride, Standing in Front of Her Bridesmaids, Asking Them to Answer My Fucking Texts
I sent another text last night. I get that 3 AM is late, but that’s why I made all of you set your text tones to the sound of your children crying!
Tag: Food
Stern Letters From Health Inspectors to Musicians Who Sang About Food
Re: Truffle Butter. Dear Ms. Maraj et. al, We have looked up what this phrase means on Urban Dictionary, and we do not like it.
What Your Favorite Type of Apple Says About You
Jonagold: You really want to ask your boss for a raise, but every time you think about doing it, you throw up a little in your mouth. Maybe next year.
Emails Between God and His IT Guy
Don’t worry, Big Man, we’ll figure this out. (By the way, You really should come downstairs to level 5 to get a cupcake!)
Old MacDonald Had a Bitcoin Mining Farm
And on that farm he had an FBI raid, mostly lawyers and tech nerds obsessing over Lloyd’s wind-powered mining ingenuity.
An Impassioned Plea: Add Pictures to Your Menus
One look at a picture of pink circle meat and I can taste the salty sweetness melting into my mouth before I can even say “side ham, if you please.”
The Joy of Conspiracy Cooking by QAnon
Great Awakening Soufflé: Stir pent-up resentment amongst white Americans (preferably men, but women are an adequate substitute).
Sexy and Confusing Lessons from the Online Fitness Industry
Supplements are filled with patented-yet-unpronounceable ingredients originally designed to make racehorses faster and more prone to heart attacks.
The Strange Life of a Costco Food Sample
I recently heard from Fox News that two men ages 70 and 72 fought over free cheese at a Costco in South Carolina.
Hollywood Launching Cinematic Universe About Fruit
Citrus: Blood Orange: An orange (Liam Neeson) will team up with soil (Leonardo DiCaprio) to unravel why other oranges in the grove are exploding.
The Girl Scout Cookies: Where Are They Now?
Thin Mint talks first. She looks healthy but is no longer the waifish figure from past boxes. Despite her added curves, she's lost none of her snap.
Finally, A Fantastic Cover Letter
I have also been told by several superiors that I have "a lot of potential," and that they'd like to see my potential "put to good use."