5 Surefire Ways to Get Elton John to Come to Your Open-Casket Funeral
Write “Elton” on your left hand and “John” on your right hand, zoom in, and make it look like Elton John himself is removing your space helmet.
Tag: Food
An Open Letter to the Adult Man in Target Who Decided He Didn’t Want Keebler’s Coconut Dreams
As I picked up the box of cookies, I imagined a world where everyone thought it was okay to leave items they didn’t want anymore wherever they please.
Boy Scout Cookies
Dad Bod Mints: Like the popular “Thin Mints,” but thicker, and with a little bit of hair.
Emo Song Titles or Actual Things I’ve Heard at Brunch?
20. I Liked You Better Before You Were Naked on the Internet. 21. Sleepless in Seattle is Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be, Honey
Games of Clones
Game of Phones: Follows House Phonecians, that reject the Talk, Text, and Data and popularize an "Unlimited Plan" beyond The Wall.
I Cut My Tongue Licking a Chobani Lid Again
Okay, I know there’s “a lot” of blood. Yes, I know it’s all over the wool carpeting we had installed last week.
Feedback on the “Wild’n’Wholesome” Meal Delivery Service
This week’s tarantula would have proven less challenging if we had found it straight away, rather than four hours later during Tina’s sleepover.
Nice One, Dipshit! You Hurt Your Dentist’s Feelings by Saying Teeth are “Just Okay”
Your dentist is crying in the corner of the room and refusing to finish fixing those busted-up, tic-tac-lookin’ mother effers that you call teeth.
Guy Fieri Resigns As Mayor of Flavortown
Apparently, my haters think I’m ‘off the hook’ but in a bad way, something I didn’t even know was possible.
Your Boyfriend Wandered Off in Target! Find Him Before It Closes
20 registers, all manned by 20 identical managers. They turn all at once and, eyes glowing yellow, sing “Derrick’s not here! Derrick’s not here!”
Inspector Dirty Harry Callahan Leads Your Girl Scout Troop’s Cookie Sale
Sell and then shake 'em down for dirt on their dealer. There's only room for one dirty cop and one dirty Girl Scout troop in this neighborhood.
Welcome to Amtrak’s “Quiet Car Chopped All-Stars: Fight Club”
The first rule of Amtrak's "Quiet Car Chopped All-Stars: Fight Club" is: Kindly shut the fuck up about everything. Enjoy bare-knuckle chef combat.