Realistic Financial Goals By Age 35
Relationships are about one thing, and one thing only: affordable housing. Find someone who doesn’t smell too bad and lock it down.
Tag: Food
I’m Sorry, I Won’t Make a Cake for Your Gay Wedding, Because This is an OshKosh B’Gosh
All I can offer you is 60% off all denim-wear. So yous can getcha some toddler overalls or some jeans for any little tikes yous two may know of.
How to Break It to Your Friend That There is a Skeleton Inside of Him
When he starts pounding on the walls because he is scared and wants to run from the skeleton who you just said was inside him, you must act quickly.
5 Surefire Ways to Get Elton John to Come to Your Open-Casket Funeral
Write “Elton” on your left hand and “John” on your right hand, zoom in, and make it look like Elton John himself is removing your space helmet.
An Open Letter to the Adult Man in Target Who Decided He Didn’t Want Keebler’s Coconut Dreams
As I picked up the box of cookies, I imagined a world where everyone thought it was okay to leave items they didn’t want anymore wherever they please.
Boy Scout Cookies
Dad Bod Mints: Like the popular “Thin Mints,” but thicker, and with a little bit of hair.
Emo Song Titles or Actual Things I’ve Heard at Brunch?
20. I Liked You Better Before You Were Naked on the Internet. 21. Sleepless in Seattle is Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be, Honey
Games of Clones
Game of Phones: Follows House Phonecians, that reject the Talk, Text, and Data and popularize an "Unlimited Plan" beyond The Wall.
I Cut My Tongue Licking a Chobani Lid Again
Okay, I know there’s “a lot” of blood. Yes, I know it’s all over the wool carpeting we had installed last week.
Feedback on the “Wild’n’Wholesome” Meal Delivery Service
This week’s tarantula would have proven less challenging if we had found it straight away, rather than four hours later during Tina’s sleepover.
Nice One, Dipshit! You Hurt Your Dentist’s Feelings by Saying Teeth are “Just Okay”
Your dentist is crying in the corner of the room and refusing to finish fixing those busted-up, tic-tac-lookin’ mother effers that you call teeth.
Guy Fieri Resigns As Mayor of Flavortown
Apparently, my haters think I’m ‘off the hook’ but in a bad way, something I didn’t even know was possible.