Attention Parker Valley Middle School: I’m Gonna Be a Skater Now
It is with heavy heart that I, Robby Schwartz, wish to announce that I am no longer a punk rocker. I am now a skater; please accept my decision.
Tag: Food
I Went to Asia for 3 Weeks and Here’s What I’m Doing Back in the States to Make Sure Everyone Knows I Went to Asia for 3 Weeks
Recently I have reactivated my Instagram account to post pictures with #worldtraveler, #nomad and, most importantly, "not a bad view for a Monday."
Martha Stewart’s Perfect Mouse Trap Bait Recipe
You want something with a decidedly pleasing aroma and subtle flavors sure to attract the attention of your average mouse.
After Watching One Episode of “The Great British Baking Show,” I’m Ready to Judge the Break Room Bakes
Janet, your Rice Krispie Treats are a bit basic if I'm being honest. Still, it's a delightful biscuit that everyone in accounting should be proud of.
10 Signs That Make Me Think My Dad Took Me to Home Depot Instead of Disney World Like He Promised
I first became suspicious of my supposed 8th birthday trip to Disney after seeing tons of balding men and refrigerators, and no sign of Mickey Mouse.
Merry Christmas From the Millers to All You Fuckers
Sue grew into her breasts last year and is now popular with the boys, but she is self-identifying as Asian which is also confusing the boys.
Hi, This is Jimmy from Wikipedia and I’m Writing to Ask, One Last Time: Please Consider Paying Me Back for Your Portion of Last Sunday’s Brunch
Here's an incredible statistic: if 100% of people at the brunch paid me back right now, you would never have to hear from me again.
Just Because I’m a Little Drunk and Homeless Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Berate This Pile of Garbage
Hey you, filthy nasty Garbage. I feel like we got off to on the wrong foot, but let's get back on track: you'll never amount to anything.
How to Celebrate Christmas Without Letting Your Cousin Know You Want to Fuck
When Uncle Bob leads the family in grace, take the opportunity to open Tinder for some discreet, under-the-table swiping, but still visible to Derek.
4 Reasons You Will Fall Asleep During Sex in Your 20’s
Rejecting the opportunity to Google duck penises all night on the internet just to have sex with someone is a slap in the face to Bill Gates.
A Zen Guide to Surviving a Red State Thanksgiving
Going home for the holidays is never easy, especially when your relatives start talking about politics. Here's some advice to help you through this Thanksgiving.
Travel Advice from Someone Who Totally Went to Africa
Before planning your trip to Africa, consider the advice of someone who has been there many times and is totally not making stuff up based on movies.