I recently forced Attorney General Jeff Sessions to eat from the same trough we use to feed our many dogs, and now he believes that white people are superior to their canine companions.
Oh, hey, hi! No, I'm not mad you're half an hour late. But I'm not sure why you're standing there holding that ginormous box of condoms.
We've both changed a lot over the years, but we made certain promises to each other. Am I mistaken in remembering that on our first date you told me you "like to cook"?
In order to respect the artist's privacy, I can't disclose his/her name. However, I can describe in detail the piece of paper I found outlining their tour requests.
Would people describe you as: A) a creative free-thinker with an "outside the box" mentality, B) a process-oriented manager focused on the big picture, or C) a cranberry farmer?
First comes shock and denial, as it just keeps rolling around the plate, inviting a game of cat and mouse. Except here, it's not a game, it's REAL LIFE.
If I got eaten, nobody would be sour on me anymore. They’d use words like “valiant” to describe my life and valiant death.
The company manual has everything from an optimistic “Career Progression” to shrug-worthy “Credit Card, Corporate” but nothinganything under “Coffee Machine, Operating Safely.”
It takes 35 minutes to prepare but deconstructs the dinner party in mere seconds, allowing you to restore the cultural and economic sanctity of your home forever.
We’ve all been there, sitting on the toilet, ass bleeding, thinking, “Why me? What the hell did I do/eat to deserve this?”
After 30 great years, we’ve decided to scale back our breastaurant theme and make the transition to one of a more family-friendly restaurant.
Strap in for a brews cruise around the world, from that guy who drinks a lot and probably knows stuff. Probably. Ehh, either way.