The People Who Will Beat You in the Thanksgiving Half Marathon for Which You’ve Trained for Months
- A nine-year-old who will be upset later that there’s no gravy for his potato volcano
Tag: Food
I’ll Buy Your Mushroom Superfood If You Promise to Stop Asking
The irony is that your mushroom superfood promises me more energy, which I wish I had now, so I could resist ordering it.
Obits for the Unused Produce in My Kitchen
We mourn the loss of Avocado, survived by literally everything else in the kitchen.
The Recent Painting Vandalisms Are a Cheap Imitation of My Performance at My Daughter’s School Art Fair
I knew blanketing a third-grade class’s first art exhibition with cans of pasta would be controversial, but that’s why I did it
They Didn’t Have the Potato Chips We Usually Get, So I Made Sure to Grab the Most Disgusting Ones I Could Find
Neither of us like wasabi, but these are wasabi with cinnamon and pineapple, so I have a feeling the other two flavors will overpower the wasabi.
This Bowl Sure Is Getting Hot, Huh?
Now I’m halfway to the table, and this bowl is burning my fucking hands off.
We, the Makers of Tapioca Pudding, Are Excited to Unveil Nothing New
Over our long history, we’ve made countless non-changes to our product, from refusing to add any flavor to churning out the same muddy texture.
The Comment Section of a Recipe for a Revenge Spell
I was out of eye of newt, so I substituted rainbow sprinkles. Spell did not work. 0/5 broomsticks
The Grapes of Wrath, and Other Dangerous Fruits to Avoid
- “Economically anxious” strawberries - The blackberries of our discontent - The raspberries of road rage
Welcome to My House, from Which I’ve Removed All Trace of How I Live
Put it on this coat rack, where all of my coats are. Is that because I regularly put my coats on the coat rack, rather than strewing them on the floor?
We Get It, You Don’t Like Cow’s Milk Anymore. Here Are 6 Rodents We Milked Instead
Firstly, you shouldn’t be put off by the fact this milk is from a rat. This is top-shelf stuff in the rodent milk world.
An Orangutan’s Review of the Restaurant He Just Broke Into
It had just recently opened the moment I turned the corner, as I have no object permanence.