Facebook was started so I could have a way to stroke my wires to pics of humanoid-looking girls way out of my league—but don't tell Congress that!
I’ll try to bring a present. But really, isn’t the inevitable boost in social clout you and I will get from this post worth more than any gift?
For the last time, put the shears down and get a hobby already. Calligraphy. Magic. Something that doesn't involve innocent living things.
Phone ringer volume must be all the way down, so no one is distracted by a late call from Justin H. Each of us must be into our third Moscow Mule.
“Do you think this mole is changing colour?” So you didn’t come to the last meeting. The thing is that I’m really starting to worry about my health.
“You have the right to remain sexy, no matter how indeterminately older you are than your circle of close friends.” It’s just a number, people!
My figure has been reduced to that of a motel pillow and my once royal blue color has deteriorated to a baby blue at best.
Ordemazão (Brazilian Portuguese) - Ordering a week's worth of pad see ew from the local Thai restaurant in order to meet their delivery minimum.
I won’t shame you, it’s not my place. No, my place is to be an evolutionary step above paper. My role is to technically be food.
SWYTCH? ZOOTAXY? FROUZY? You don't think we can tell? Oh, we can tell.
But I’m gonna lie to y’al' so’s y’all have an excuse to sit a spell with me at this here combination A&W-Long John Silver’s-Exxon gas station.
Coffee shops: “Ugh, I know it’s overpriced, but it’s my guilty pleasure!” is now what I say when I buy healthcare.