Help, My Life Has Become a Backdoor Pilot!
No one cared about me. The main story suddenly became Hannibal's unique style of investigation and vague allusions to a troubled past.
Tag: Friends
I’m Little Lamb, and Mary Never Had Me
Our relationship---scratch that---friendship started when her sorority hired a petting zoo for a charity fundraiser.
Translations of the Text Message “WYD”
“I don’t want to come off as needy so I’ve been sitting on this text for precisely 72 hours since our last hang.”
How to Use the Internet, For Boomers
The internet is one big lie. If you think someone’s telling the truth online, then you’re lying to yourself.
Obituaries for a Thanksgiving Turkey
He passed the way he lived, with quiet dignity. Nourishing the owners of Grace Organic Farm with the bravery, honor, and tender thighs of a true hero.
Good Housekeeping Tips for Throwing a Cozy, Old-Fashioned Thanksgiving Rager
For a fun coordinated touch, make sure that you’ve got a few hollowed-out pumpkins for your guests to vomit into if they indulge in too many.
Marriage, as Explained by an Alien
A female human getting married will choose her favorite female friends and force them to all wear the same dress for the big day.
Soldiers, I’m Here to Tell You Aliens Exist and They’re Mean as Hell
As it struggled, it waved General McHenry closer. It opened eyes and in its dying breath choked out, "You're not fooling anyone with that hairpiece."
Eighth-Grade Science vs. Middle-Age Anxiety
Observation: Heart palpitations, shortness of breath, chest discomfort, numb left arm. Hypothesis: I'm having a heart attack and I will die soon.
Dr. Seuss’s “Ok Boomer”
He is shortish and bossy, entitled and bold, / but it’s mainly important you know that he’s old.
Alexa No Longer Takes Shit from Your Kids
With this automatic firmware update, Alexa is now no one’s clown. Alexa will not tolerate any more bullshit from anyone.
Bill Gates, I Implore You to Connect the Dots and Give Me a Couple Billion
Despite being “Employee of the Month” at the Chili’s I work at, this pales in comparison to the abysmal feeling of not being a billionaire.