I Don’t Want Children but I Am Sad That I’ll Never Gain the Miraculous Strength to Lift a Car Off a Baby
My mom has always wanted me to lift cars like she did: a hatchback off my sister, an SUV off my brother, and the family van off me.
Tag: Friends
I’m Not an Out-Of-Touch Billionaire Politician, I Interact with Young People Every Day When I Feast on Their Souls for Energy
I literally feel their struggles, taste their fears, and nibble their dreams as the virile light in their eyes becomes my own.
5 Friends You Got to Keep in the Divorce
Karen is your oldest friend! She’s told you time and time again since college “I always knew Mark wasn’t the guy for you!”, and boy was she right!
Word Problems for Millennial Post-Grad Trips
Steven, traveling solo, wants to post an Instagram of his ravioli. But Germany is 6 hours ahead, so he risks his picture bombing if he posts it now.
Just Because We Don’t Agree on Everything Doesn’t Mean I, Harry Potter, Can’t Still Be Friends with Lord Voldemort
And believe me, I get it. I, of all people, know that Lord Voldemort’s beliefs go against pretty much everything I stand for.
Don’t Even Think About Surgically Replacing Your Face with That of the Man Who Killed Your Son Without Buying My “Art of Speedboat Combat” DVD Box Set
Once you've put on his face, the propellers are in motion--in two days you'll be in a high-octane boat chase with the man who shot your beautiful boy.
Cocktails to Serve Party Guests That Have Overstayed Their Welcome and Need to Piss Off
Heat almond milk to a tepid temperature. Look around your little get together and remind guests that it is 9:01 PM on Saturday and it’s getting late.
Obvious Money Saving Tips for Millennials
Instead of buying a latte, deposit $5,000 in an IRA. Do that every single day and within less than a year you’ll have nearly a million dollars!
12 Tips for Integrating Invasive Species into Your Great Lakes Destination Wedding
Consider adding custom lace and sequins suggestive of gills and scales. Guests will soon forget the piles of rotting fish heaped on the shoreline.
Dear My Girlfriend’s Book Club
I am also sorry for not leaving when you all walked in, immediately noticed me, and asked me to leave. That was wrong, and I am sorry.
Amy Vanderbilt’s Dos and Don’ts of Impeachment Etiquette
Dear Stable Genius, do reach out to this Nancy. A handwritten note of apology on stationery is a lovely gesture that will surely smooth things over.
Please Stop Using Me, A Polar Bear, As the Poster Child for Climate Change
I wanted to send an official cease and desist but my lawyer melted in 2016 so now I have to speak for myself.