Life-Threatening Situations to Mark Yourself “Safe” on Facebook
You sat in silence for 18 minutes after finding out your new barber was from Long Island, voted for Trump, and has amazing ideas for your stand-up.
Tag: Friends
I’m Worried I’ll Never Get Around to Using All These Good Band Names
My dream came so close to fruition my senior year in college, when my roommate Jim and I started a “pop-thresh garage-inflected post-grunge” band.
Reasons Why I Didn’t Come To Your Improv Show
I went back in time and it was there that Lin-Manuel asked me to help him with his play Hamlet or something that starts with the letter H.
Colonel Aureliano Buendía is Cancelled
Sorry, I can’t join your ragtag militia of freedom fighters, Mr. Buendía, I’m busy fighting to free my mind of institutionalized perceptions of truth and justice.
8 Diet-Friendly Swaps That Will Make You Thin and Angry
Life isn’t about enjoying things. It’s about adhering to specific body norms! On your deathbed you won’t be wishing you ate more bonbons.
Greetings From Your Left-Out Friend Who Doesn’t Know How to Play Settlers of Catan
I propped cushions and draped a blanket to be safe from the hospitable elements--the laughter, the bonding, the strengthening over some foolish game.
Don’t Forget: Everyone Moves At Their Own Pace But You Are Still Undeniably Behind
You can’t even invite people over to your disgusting apartment? Jorge has a beautiful apartment and he doesn’t share it with four “artists.”
Ponce de León: I Only Want to Find the Fountain of Youth to Enjoy the “Kids Eat Free on Wednesdays” Deal At My Favorite Restaurant
Conquistadors have an old saying: discovering a place makes you that place’s Mom/Dad. Why should Florida’s Dad have to pay $14 for his favorite meal?
My Mother Watches the Oscars With Me
Oh, Christian Bale, nominated for playing a 60-year-old man with a potbelly who only thinks about himself. Your father could have played that role.
Teen Magazine Quizzes for Adults
Which teen heartthrob is the spitting image of someone you went to high school with but you can’t place? He definitely looks like someone… but who?
A Millennial’s Guide to Pretending to Know What Umami Is
If they mention it, pretend to be engrossed in Kyle’s story. If they ask you a direct question about it, feign a family emergency and run out.
Warnings About My Small Town From a Local Intellectual
Don't go to church on Sunday? You might as well be drinking abortions out of a fancy wine glass made of Reagan’s bones.