Let’s Not Make a Big Deal Out of My Viking Funeral Pyre
Less is more, I always said. If you can’t find a fjord in New Jersey, better apply for an ocean permit ASAP so we can have the ceremony at Brigantine Beach.
Tag: Friends
How Silent Films Taught Me to Be a Better Lover
My girlfriend Mary Lou always told me to stop twirling my mustache and tying her to train tracks, but I never really took it seriously, you know?
I’m Finally Going to Get My Shit Together and Back Up My iPhone
This time I'm really going to buckle down and clean up my digital clutter. But not before I add some dream vacation spots to my Pinterest board.
Trump Explains His MySpace Top 8
I was going to make Jared Kushner my 7th top friend, but then I remembered that having family members in your top 8 is LAME.
Leaked Audio Transcript of Tom Hanks Celebrating the 23rd Anniversary of “Forrest Gump” on Magic Mushrooms
Disturbing and introspective audio from Tom Hanks' handheld recorder, sent to me anonymously in the form of time-stamped .wav files.
Top 5 Books to Pretend You’ve Read
Minimal effort to appear as smart as possible to your coworkers, fellow cigarette smokers at a party, parents, and strangers’ cats.
4 Ways to Make Childhood Friend Reunions More Bearable
Why is it that hanging out with your childhood best friend now feels like small-talking with the lady at the supermarket who complains about her allergies?
Listen Carl, You Need to Stop Saying Schadenfreude All the Time
I know for a fact that schadenfreude is the only German word you know. Try saying kugelschreiber or apfelsaft in a sentence and have it actually mean something.
A Letter of Recommendation Template for Men Struggling to Date
After I wrote my friend Dave a letter of recommendation, his dating dry spell ended immediately. Now I'm giving you permission to use the same template!
I Bought an Energy-Efficient Laundry Machine Because It Has a See-Through Lid
I used to worry about the world, about a lot of things, but now that I have a washing machine with a see-through lid, everything seems just fine.
Welcome to The Wachowski Home for Unremarkable Orphans
At The Wachowski Home, we believe that each of our orphans is generic and unremarkable in their own unoriginal way. Join us for basic living standards and practical preparation.
Revealing Excerpts From Winnie the Pooh’s Diary
June 17: Eeyore finally offed himself. We all knew it was coming, and what did we do? Did nothing, sed nothing. I shood have been a better friend. I shood have been there fore him.