Tragedies are Everywhere, and They’re Coming for Your Loved Ones
We see them on television, and we hear about them from our friends who got updated about them on Facebook--which, at this point, may as well just be called MyTragedyUpdate.com.
Tag: Friends
Millennial Charlotte Brontë Goes to the Mall
One listen to HIM, the Finnish lords and saviors whose hit single "Killing Loneliness" contains the secret to living, and Gloom's gospel will quickly unmask the jolly tendencies you maintain.
Tao of a Lowlife: A Message from the Guy Who Still Lives in Your Hometown
It frustrates you to know I get laid more than you. I have chicken legs and a cartoonish beer belly. I have a hooknose and my eyes are a bit too close together.
You Didn’t Get the Job, But I Think We’d Make Great Friends
Unfortunately, we've decided to go a different way. But we honestly did enjoy our conversation and I was wondering, do you want to hang out sometime?
I’d Love to Get Eaten
If I got eaten, nobody would be sour on me anymore. They’d use words like “valiant” to describe my life and valiant death.
I’m Sorry I Blocked You On Facebook But I’d Like to Continue Sleeping Together
I don't see why we can’t continue to to do sex even though I’ve terminated our Facebook friendship. After all, it’s called "friends with benefits," not "Facebook friends with benefits."
A Guided Meditation for Increased Self-Awareness of the Piece of Garbage You Really Are
Be aware of how your stresses don’t matter, because your job doesn’t matter, and neither do you. Let this knowledge relax you.
Steve Bannon’s Deconstructed Chicken Pot Pie Recipe
It takes 35 minutes to prepare but deconstructs the dinner party in mere seconds, allowing you to restore the cultural and economic sanctity of your home forever.
How to Deal With Being Bullied at Camp
Being bullied at camp is much different than being bullied at school, at home, on the internet, or at a Game of Thrones cosplay convention.
I Am Become Kiss Cam Operator, The Destroyer of Worlds
You shall witness a heart shape on the monitor, surrounding you and your beloved. And you shall kiss. For I have commanded it.
5 Gift Returns That Protest My Gift-Giver’s Worldview But Do Not Reflect My Enjoyment of Their Present
My uncle's Osprey Xenith 105 backpack would've been perfect, if only he hadn't decided to post "We should nuke the entire middel east!!!!" on Facebook.
You’re 33, I’m Not Coming to Your Half-Birthday Party
My niece is seven, and half-birthday parties are barely acceptable for her. And she’s a goddamn princess. Are you a princess, Lou?