I’d Love to Get Eaten
If I got eaten, nobody would be sour on me anymore. They’d use words like “valiant” to describe my life and valiant death.
Tag: Friends
I’m Sorry I Blocked You On Facebook But I’d Like to Continue Sleeping Together
I don't see why we can’t continue to to do sex even though I’ve terminated our Facebook friendship. After all, it’s called "friends with benefits," not "Facebook friends with benefits."
A Guided Meditation for Increased Self-Awareness of the Piece of Garbage You Really Are
Be aware of how your stresses don’t matter, because your job doesn’t matter, and neither do you. Let this knowledge relax you.
Steve Bannon’s Deconstructed Chicken Pot Pie Recipe
It takes 35 minutes to prepare but deconstructs the dinner party in mere seconds, allowing you to restore the cultural and economic sanctity of your home forever.
How to Deal With Being Bullied at Camp
Being bullied at camp is much different than being bullied at school, at home, on the internet, or at a Game of Thrones cosplay convention.
I Am Become Kiss Cam Operator, The Destroyer of Worlds
You shall witness a heart shape on the monitor, surrounding you and your beloved. And you shall kiss. For I have commanded it.
5 Gift Returns That Protest My Gift-Giver’s Worldview But Do Not Reflect My Enjoyment of Their Present
My uncle's Osprey Xenith 105 backpack would've been perfect, if only he hadn't decided to post "We should nuke the entire middel east!!!!" on Facebook.
You’re 33, I’m Not Coming to Your Half-Birthday Party
My niece is seven, and half-birthday parties are barely acceptable for her. And she’s a goddamn princess. Are you a princess, Lou?
An Idiot’s Guide to Grieving After an Acquaintance Dies
As you get older, more of your acquaintances will die, and you'll get better at saying the right things in public. But the first time it happens, it's a little awkward.
Just Because I’m a Hot Girl with Huge Boobs Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Be My 38th Facebook Friend
Why does a beautiful girl like me only have 37 friends? Because I'm selective, that's why. Just click "confirm" already.
Not Only is My Jacket Cooler Than Yours, Your Jacket is Absolutely Awful
I haven't been paying that much attention to you - but what I can say with complete certainty is that your jacket is not as cool as mine.
I Guess I’m Going to the Inauguration By Myself Again This Year
Asking a girl to the inauguration is a rite of passage for teens, but everybody says they're going "as a group" this year, and I can't find a stupid date.