Our Friendship Has Been One Long, Intricate Plot to Get You to Subscribe to My Newsletter
I met you at a time of great need in my life. That need? More readers for my newsletter where I rank pizza shops based on taste, texture, and sauce ratio.
Tag: Friends
Old Friend, We Sure Have Made Something of Ourselves
You with your magnificent house you built yourself, two young healthy children, and a partner who loves you for who you are, and me with my podcast.
How to Install a New Air Conditioner Without Going to Prison for Involuntary Manslaughter
As long as one person is really big and the other person is kind of wirey, you can replace an air conditioner.
My Friend’s Dog Is Actually Super Awkward to Hang with When My Friend Isn’t Around
I swear this dog knows every command except "speak?" I'm always carrying the conversation!
I’d Love to Join Your Book Club on the Following Conditions
When it’s my turn to choose the book and I pick a trashy romance novel, no members can audibly sigh or give off any sense of smug superiority.
More Accurate Descriptions of Your Facebook “Friends”
- Your uncle’s third ex-wife. - Bullies from the 7th grade whom you like to keep tabs on just in case.
I’m an Aesthetically-Pleasing Instagram Graphic about Social Justice, and I’m Here to Do Absolutely Nothing
I’m a hip font on an eye-catching background. I’m a cake that says "end white supremacy." I’m a black square.
This Is PayPal, Informing You That Your Account May Be Compromised
Have you been getting some emails that seem Phishy? This is PayPal, btw. The real PayPal. How can you know? You’ll get a gut feeling inside.
Lesser Known But No Less Eponymous Ways Charles Ponzi Invented to Defraud People
A Ponzian Slip: This is when you misspeak because you are thinking more about swindling the person than the substance of the conversation.
7 Ways to Act Cool When Your Friend Bumps Into a Friend
Before your friend has the chance to say, “How’ve you been?” grab all three of you into a hug and take selfies.
Things You Can Do After You’re Halfway Vaccinated
Grab brunch with friends, but only half-listen to what they’re saying. Something about a "drinking problem" and "ruining Stacy's wedding."
I’m a Superhero Who Saved the World Twice, and I Still Can’t Get a Bank Loan
All that changed when a (unnamed for legal purposes) billionaire “superhero” with no powers showed up and asked me to join his superhero team.