Your Horoscope for When the Trappist Exoplanets are in Retrograde
We don’t know if Trappist 1-h’s theoretical moons exist or not, but the motions of these maybe-moons are still going to fuck your shit up, Cancer.
Tag: Future
Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity
A skateboard is cool. No need for safety gear, either. You obviously don’t give a shit what happens to your grandkids, so a helmet would be confusing.
How to Get Past Your Baseball Team Losing in the Playoffs…Again
If your friend's team was the one that eliminated your team, tell them they can see you at your funeral.
Advice to My Son from Beyond the Grave
And finally, my son, I will assume that at this point you have started your own Westworld recap podcast so as not to let my legacy die with my body.
Unexpected Spiritual Lessons From Using a 7-Day Free Trial of Headspace in the Restroom at Work
Focus on your breath or letting your body go limp as it’s being dragged out of an ADA compliant stall by a security guard named Dennis.
How I Failed at Being a Gilmore Girl
Thanks to my newly acquired need for a speed supplier, I finally found my bad-boy boyfriend. He also cooked meth on the side and almost blew me up once or twice while I was asleep.
Superheroes in the Millennial Legion
As Acai City’s newest hero, Millennial Girl is committed to protecting and serving all citizens born between 1981 and 1998.
I Am Very Special
This mug featured nine cats smiling at me and each other with the encouraging words, “You’re very special,” written in delicate script above them.
A Series of Recent Rejection Letters
‘Sup Reject, Thanks for your interest in pursuing the most radical career opportunity of your life with us. After scopin’ out your CV, nah.
Thank You, Rabbi, For Explaining Your Tattoos, But We’d Really Like to Keep Our Wedding Ceremony Brief
The anecdote of how you got the Sublime sun tattoo on your arm was, well, compelling, but my wife-to-be has never listened to "40 Oz. to Freedom."
I’m the Boyband Member Everyone Always Forgets
Honestly, I’m really totally fine being the one who gets his name mispronounced by a YouTube personality when we win an MTV Video Music Award.
Bob Ross’ The Joy of Painting an Industrial Society and Its Future
A painting or a bomb could cause the right amount of surprise and confusion to shake people out of their stupors, if you mail it to the right person.