Confessions of a Potted Plant in Love with Harvey Weinstein
As a plant, it was one thing to have a guy like Harvey Weinstein brush up against you. But to finish himself off inside you?
Tag: Future
Women, Here’s What Your Dating Profile Should Really Look Like
More friendly advice for those women thinking about online dating...because my advice for men the first time around wasn't enough.
The iPhone 43 is Finally Here
Tim Cook's voice sounded almost dreamlike as it reverberated off the pillars and buttresses of the repurposed superchurch that served as Apple's Announcement Pod.
If You Suffer From Moderate to Severe Arthritis, This Drug is Going to Change Your Goddamn Life
Ask your doctor if Gamora is right for you. If your doctor says it is, wow, that’s a pretty ballsy doctor you've got there. I mean, this shit can literally kill you.
Help! I’m 7 and I’m Lost Forever in This Kmart
Welp, this is how it all ends. If there's some sort of service to remember me, please have them mention my karate belts.
A Response Letter From Mark Zuckerberg’s Newborn Daughter, August
Hey Dad, I just want to reassure you: I'm not worried about the future. Not even the tiniest amount. Because I'm going to inherit billions of dollars.
I’m the Only Thing Standing Between You and That Freak Mike Pence
Mike Pence, best vice president, maybe ever. Problem though: he's a nutcase. Totally unhinged. And I'm the only one preventing that freak from taking power.
High School Yearbook Profiles of Trump’s Top Cabinet Members
Superlatives for Michael Richard "Mike" Pence: "Most Highlighted Bible," "Most Likely to Stay on This Side of History," and "Best Hair."
Just as Mark Zuckerberg Had to Drop Out of Harvard, I Too Must Drop Out of This Pottery Class
I know this decision has alienated a lot of people. And I'm sorry I shattered Bethany's clay pot on the floor while calling her "talentless swine" the other week.
Dear Elon Musk, When Will AI Let Me Force Choke My Disobedient Children?
When will your muscle movement bracelets become widespread? And more importantly, will I be able to fit my children with them before I am driven to insanity?
The Handmaid’s Tale is Especially Scary For Me Because I’m Rich and White
Offred was forced to have sex with the commander again in front of his wife. Who treats white women like that!? Ugh, it was so terrible, because that like literally is my life.
To Be President of Amtrak, I Must Start as the Restroom Cleaner
At corporate events I will talk about my roots: "50 years ago, I was hired by this fine company to clean the restrooms on the Merced to Oakland route..." and so on.