Have I Ever Been to Paris?
In Paris, we cry. In Paris we drink too much and enter the wrong apartment, accidentally sleeping in the wrong bed. That’s Paris.
Tag: Future
10 People I Resolve Not to Date in 2021
The PhD student who worships Peter Travers and prefers Kurt Cobain’s technical prowess as a vocalist over Nirvana as a band.
Welcome, Santa’s Workshop, to the Amazon Corporate Family
Does this mean Santa's Workshop will close? Santa's Workshop will live on as a digital storefront competing with hundreds of counterfeiters.
I Lived Amongst the Grinch’s 30 Wives for a Week: Here’s What I Learned
The first thing I noticed was my temporary roommates smiled and clapped each time they saw the Grinch’s glorious glutes.
Marty’s Last Letter to Doc Brown, So He Can Get Back to the Present
Did you know a stroke of lightning lasts roughly 30 microseconds? DID YOU?! What if I hadn’t hit the cable at the right microsecond, Doc?
Secrets to Rekindling Love While Burning Down a Dystopian Society
With casualties in the hundreds of thousands, just be glad you're dating someone that’s alive.
My Mom Ages Beautifully; I Become More Haggard by the Day
She goes to bed early, after washing her face and applying night serum. I go to bed drunk, after forgetting to brush my teeth or remove my contacts.
Fox News Horoscopes for an Election in Retrograde
Libra: You’re feeling frustrated because Jupiter is orbiting Buffalo Wild Wings and they won’t let you in without a mask.
If Your Online Dates Texted Like Political Campaigns
Hey, Maggie, I’ll cut right to the chase. Please, Maggie, confirm that you’ll see me at Miller’s Tavern tonight at 8 p.m.
Socially-Conscious Activities for Gender Reveal Parties
Tear open an envelope. If you discover a dollar bill, you’re having a boy! If there’s only 81 cents inside, a girl is on her way!
15 Printed Onesies Worn by Babies Who Will Eventually Struggle to Move Up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
25% Mommy, 25% Daddy, 25% Mommy’s Yoga Coach, 15% Daddy’s Secretary, 5% Tinder Guy Who Was Into Daddy and Daddy’s Secretary, 5% Lube, 100% PERFECT ME!
A Correspondence Between an Enterprising Engineer and the Chicago World’s Fair Commission of 1893
I call my contraption "Four Score and Seven Thrills Ago: Honest Abe’s Adventures in American Aviation." I look forward to hearing from you!