How to Use the Internet, For Boomers
The internet is one big lie. If you think someone’s telling the truth online, then you’re lying to yourself.
Tag: God
When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemon-Ale with Thor
You can either let those lemons get you down, or you can absolutely crush the shit out of those lemons by channeling the inebriated fury of Thor.
God Submits a Query Letter for His First Draft of the Bible to the Goodman & Forsythe Literary Agency in New York
We appreciate you allowing Goodman & Forsythe the opportunity to review your fantasy novel, Bible. Unfortunately, it is not right for us at this time.
I Will Not Let Impostor Syndrome Get Me Down Just Because I’m an Actual Impostor
It has taken hard work to get to where I am. I am a self-made, set-a-guy-up-to-be-murdered-and-steal-his-identity kind of person.
To: The Lord RE: Your Mysterious Ways
Upper management has been attempting to quell frustration by saying, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.” Well, I for one think that You should not.
The Thing about High School Girls Is That They Stay the Same Age, And So Do I Ever Since I Drank from That Magic Well
Some may see the age gap as a little weird, but it's not nearly as weird as if I looked my real age, because then I would be a decaying skeleton.
Our Relationship, Based on the Amount of Time It Takes for Me to Text Back
24 hours: A work acquaintance who could care less about my existence but whose validation I seek nonetheless.
A Word from the Guy Who Shouted “Woo!” during the Guitar Solo of Eric Clapton’s “Layla” Unplugged
Most of the rubes don’t figure out it’s a cover until the vocals come in, at which point everyone cheers like an idiot and I let out a huge scoff.
My Summer Internship Working for Dr. Mercurius Krunth, Mad Scientist
TIME Magazine once called Dr. Krunth, “a man mad enough to think himself a God while doing the work of the Devil.” All summer I would call him “boss.”
Posts in Your High School Reunion Facebook Page
Anyone know what jail Tommy is in? Maybe we could bring the reunion to him! Would be like the good ole days!
Hold on Boys, I Can’t Break This Ancient Curse without My Tank Top!
You know what it looks like. It’s the same tank top I wear every time we get together to defeat an age-old evil or combat a monstrous hellion.
Why Aren’t Tech Companies Taking More of My Data?
I hear people claim the internet is watching their every move, and I say "Are my moves not worthy?"