Cancel Dolphins: New Earth Day Faves for a Fucked-up World
Wired: Earwigs. Bugs, but heavy metal and down to party. With those pincers you know they’re into some dark shit.
Tag: Guides
Urgent Recall Notice: Your Brain
Our official recommendation is to stop using your brain immediately. Please take care to dispose of it safely.
Alumni Mag Updates from Graduates Who Are Just Chillin’
James Davis (’20) is the founder and chief creative officer of a conspiracy theory about the Slinky.
It’s Time for Celebrity Talk Shows to Up the Ante
Tech Check: Celebs reflect on life, love and their rise to the top while being interrupted by their grandfather asking for help with his smartphone.
Making the Most of “Be Kind to Lawyers Day”
Claim: Most lawyers find that cilantro tastes like soap. / Foundation? Foundation, but most things taste like soap to lawyers.
How to Enjoy a Movie with Your Significant Other Even Though All Major Actors Haven’t Been Identified Yet
Undergo hypnosis therapy: you can’t lose time recalling an actor’s name if you never knew their name to begin with.
How to Fold a Fitted Sheet
Turn the sheet so that the elastic edge faces you. Do not look directly at it, lest it sense your anxiety.
What the Adult Class You’re Taking Says About You and Your Divorce
Pottery: This one is simple: the night your wife called things off, you drank an entire bottle of wine and "Ghost" randomly started playing on Tubi.
Rejected Muppets
Name: Dick Van Dyke Species: Jerk Physical Appearance: Tall and rude. Personality: Straight white man.
Never Buy New Kids Clothes Again with Growth Apparel, the Clothes That Grow on Your Child
You'd never know that it is an alive organism, save for the occasional dampness and an appropriate amount of mold that forms on the sleeves.
Quiz: Are You in Love with Your Barista?
Is it time to overthrow the self-doubt that has plagued your absurd, tender heart for all these months? Subtract eight points if your heart is neither tender nor absurd.
Fact Checking the March Madness Song, “One Shining Moment”
"you’re a shooting star" -- This needs context. Most players do shoot at some point during the game. But not many are true stars.