Six Ways I Want Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson to Crush Me
In a handshake between him and a fellow Ballers star. Dwayne would gently cradle you in his palm before pressing you into the hand of Rob Corddry.
Tag: Hair
Four Halloween Costumes That Let People Know You’re Totally Chill About Your More-Successful Sister Getting Into Yale
Dress up as a doctor, A BRAIN SURGEON even. Unlike Beth, you didn't need to take out hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans to become one.
A Thank You Note From My Ex’s Current Girlfriend
He surprised me with a candle because he said, "I know your love language is 'receiving gifts.'" How did you get him to read "The 5 Love Languages"?!
Signs Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl May Be Less of a “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and More of a “Depression Meal at Walmart”
As she trails off, she restarts "The Office" on Netflix for the twenty-fifth time and pulls her couch blanket over herself.
Excerpts from the Harry Potter Series, Reprinted in the Trumpian Translation
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: This one’s about people from different backgrounds coming together to fight for a greater good. Skip!
Mar-a-Lago Bath Bombs
Use the (Space) Force: Lavender, yuzu, and citrus form their own sixth military branch... mission: self-care!
Woke Gear for the Politically Correct
New at Macy’s are Cordial-Roy® casual slacks---virtue you can wear. Looking good while avoiding social indiscretion never looked, well, so good!
Thoughts from a Town with an Abandoned Twinkie Factory
"When we put him in the ground, we dropped in every Twinkie wrapper. A shade under a million. He lived to 103. So...yes. I think they're ok for you.”
English Lit Grads: Choose a Career in Tech Support
There are at least two sides to a story. The client will think their version is the only true story. Don’t waste time convincing them of the truth.
I Have a Guy for Everything
I drink cheap, too! I’ve got a really generous guy who works as a bartender and he’ll usually pour me a few rounds for free, after I’ve encouraged him to have 7 or 8 himself.
An Open Letter to the Guy Next to Me Writing an Open Letter to the Smug Barista Who Threw Shade at Me
Yes, honored Seat Neighbor, you have described the whelp's arrogance in a manner both just and poetic. Yes, poetic!
My First Day at the Department for Duplicated Departments
10.15 am - Somone tries to get into the office but gets lost in the revolving doors.