Sexual Fantasy: Football
“We’re number one!” I cheer. The team wheels around. “No,” they respond. “YOU’RE number one.” Then they offer to pay off all of my debt.
Tag: Hair
Stop Putting Mixtapes in Teddy Ruxpin
It’s really nice catching up like this, but I do feel like we need to have a little talk, bear to man.
Various Life Crises You Will Undergo
Quarter of a Quarter Life Crisis: Age 6. You will cope by throwing tantrums before bedtime and refusing to share your trucks with Jeremy.
Can You Be Our Nanny?
Caring for children is one of life’s most rewarding jobs. Our nanny will need a sens…
Welcome to the Mundane Terror of Your Day in Court
Is this real life? This lawsuit has consumed your mind, your nerves, your days, your marriage for the better part of four years.
Welcome to Our Cell Phone-Free Restaurant!
We used to have lights, but we found that they reminded people way too much of their cell phone screens, so we got rid of them.
Five Binge-Worthy Shows That Will Help You Forget You are Wasting Your Summer
"Stranger Things": This coming of age sci-fi romp will take you back to a time when you could actually enjoy summer.
All the Things I’m Going to Ride Away From Thanks to the Ten Speed I Inherited When My Uncle Died
As I’ve come down with a bad case of wet-ass this summer (medical condition), Marcus could easily catch me and force me to share the bicycle.
Sharp-Dressed John Doe v. ZZ Top
By all accounts, my client satisfied the legal definition of a sharp dressed man. And yet, the ladies did not come a-runnin' just as fast as they can.
I’m Not Picky, I Simply Only Want to Date Heath Ledger in “10 Things I Hate About You” and No One Else
How is that standard any different from "has a job?" Spoiler alert: it's not!
Highlights of the First 10 Days of a Miraculous Marianne Williamson Presidency
President Williamson announces her first Executive Order to great fanfare, enforcing a mandatory 15 minutes of daily mindfulness for every American.
Prescriptions for Thy Modern Maladies From Me, A Plague Doctor
Phone Addiction: In the pocket where ye usually keep your phone, keep instead a hairy, spindle-shanked, venomous spider. Incur bites until cured.