Post-Halloween Report: My Gabba Ghoul Costume Was a Flop
"This is gonna be huge," I whispered to myself, flattening the various cold cuts dangling from my body.
Tag: Halloween
The Babadook No Longer Lives in This Book, Which Unfortunately Reduces Its Value at Auction
That’s right, the book's value at auction is thirty dollars without the Babadook.
My Deepest Apologies to the Staff I Terrorized at Frightwood Haunted House
I would also like to offer to pay for the damages to the building from when I ripped a meat hook out of the ceiling and swung it around my head.
A Real Spider’s Design Critique of the Fake Spider Web I Put Up for Halloween
What type of web is this supposed to be? Certainly not a classic orb web, or an on-trend funnel web.
FAQ: Your Rescue Monster
When you adopt from Frankenstein’s, you can rest assured your Rescue Monster has received the highest quality of care.
To the Horror Movie Villain Who’s Definitely Not Hiding Behind My Curtains
Are you embarrassed that I called you out, and now suffer from some sort of movie monster performance anxiety?
This Year I’m Not Going to Eat All of the Candy I Bought for the Trick-or-Treaters
The big bag is a safer purchase. Now it won’t be the end of the world if I have one. I’d hate to disappoint the kids two years in a row.
This Halloween, My Son, You Will Dominate the Streets
It’s a zero-sum game out there. Every piece of candy you don’t get goes into the gaping, cavity-filled maw of some other kid.
Zillow Listing for the House from “The Blair Witch Project”
Admire the local artisanship on display, particularly the humanoid stick figures bound in twine looming overhead in the trees.
I Am the Menacing Voiceover from a Horror Movie Trailer and I’m Just Trying to Order a Pizza
MINDLESS EATING MACHINES, TO STRIKE TERROR INTO THE HEARTS OF MEN. FOR MAN IS THE WARMEST PLACE TO HIDE. For $2 more the pizzas come with extra cheese.
Candy Corn Tastes like Cheap Trash and That’s Why I Like It
A handful of those tri-colored diabetic nightmares leave me physically ill with my head pulsing in pain. And guess what? I’m into it.
I’m Not Looking Forward to Halloween Because It’s Spooky, I’m Just Looking Forward to Not Sweating
I'm looking forward to when boob sweat makes its annual migration toward those hapless people in the southern hemisphere.