Times I Have Suspected My Therapist Might Be a Baby
Have you tried burping? What about being burped? It’s okay to be small and fragile sometimes. Or all the time.
Tag: Health
As Your Dentist, I’m Required to Floss You So Hard That Your Soul Leaves Your Body
Now that I’ve got maximum hold of the floss, I will dig it into your gums so hard that your teeth feel loose.
Illnesses to Fake to Get Out of a Destination Wedding
Since Pink Eye is usually thought of as a children’s illness, there is a level of grossness that comes with admitting you have it.
Introducing Claritin-UB: The Only Allergy Medication for Used Bookstores
The haunted attic-tested formula will have you back to browsing through buttermilk-colored paperbacks in as few as 30 minutes.
Did I Tell You I Take Cold Showers Now?
My god, are my mornings agonizing! But it’s all worth it. The ice shards in the body wash act as an exfoliant and all day long my skin radiates.
18 Very Legitimate Reasons I Didn’t Get a Salad
A salad? After Labor Day? I don’t think so. I passed the salad place and said to myself, “Not today. Today is Tuesday. Tacos.”
Coping with Your Acquaintance’s Divorce
If your therapist asks you whether Jason is your father, calmly explain that he’s your college friend’s old roommate.
I Am Proof That Neuralink Works!
Soon we'll live in a world where Neuralink will let us surf the internet just by thinking about it and bleeding from our eyes.
I Have Googled “Foot Pain” and Regret to Inform You That I Am Dying
After an extensive journey of self-learning which some have called a “downward spiral,” it is obvious this agony is a rare inoperable cystic cancer.
Shut Up, Antidiabetic Medicine Jardiance®, Just Shut Up—You Had Me at “Serious Side Effects Can Include Necrotizing Fasciitis”
I'll never forget how safe you made me feel, the way you blocked the SGLT2 found in the proximal tubules of nephrotic components in my kidneys.
Five Grueling Core Exercises That Are Still Easier than Openly Expressing Emotions
Feelings of guilt and shame will give you the boost you need to keep on crunching. Your core will thank you!
We Only Dumped Toxic Waste in Your Drinking Water to Raise Awareness of Hazardous Dumping
Remember: if our competitors are not fined out of existence, then your friends and neighbors died for nothing.