An Apology from Your Proctologist for Writing Poems About Your Colonoscopy
To be fair, they are really good poems. I don’t want to toot my own horn (a little proctologist humor there), but those poems are inspired.
Tag: Health
I Am Your Super-Thin, Yellowing, Old Bed Pillow—Please Put Me Out of My Misery
Me, a sweat-stained, yellowing bed pillow. You, a 42-year-old single man that clearly hasn't lived with a woman since moving out of his mom’s place.
Though I Appear to Be a Humble Pimple, I Am Actually Your Last, Best, and Cosmic Hope
But I am not your enemy. I’m part of a much larger cosmic intelligence that knows what’s best for you.
A Nonjudgmental and Nonthreatening Pediatric Dental Questionnaire
1. How long have you been putting this off? a. One year. b. Three years. c. Five years. d. My child is, if we must get technical, a member of Generation X.
I’m Your Therapist and I’m Going to Cure Your Depression with a Lecture on the Brain
Many respond just as you have, with eyes glazed over with astonishment and mouths agape, almost asking to be fed more knowledge.
Times I Have Suspected My Therapist Might Be a Baby
Have you tried burping? What about being burped? It’s okay to be small and fragile sometimes. Or all the time.
As Your Dentist, I’m Required to Floss You So Hard That Your Soul Leaves Your Body
Now that I’ve got maximum hold of the floss, I will dig it into your gums so hard that your teeth feel loose.
Illnesses to Fake to Get Out of a Destination Wedding
Since Pink Eye is usually thought of as a children’s illness, there is a level of grossness that comes with admitting you have it.
Introducing Claritin-UB: The Only Allergy Medication for Used Bookstores
The haunted attic-tested formula will have you back to browsing through buttermilk-colored paperbacks in as few as 30 minutes.
Did I Tell You I Take Cold Showers Now?
My god, are my mornings agonizing! But it’s all worth it. The ice shards in the body wash act as an exfoliant and all day long my skin radiates.
18 Very Legitimate Reasons I Didn’t Get a Salad
A salad? After Labor Day? I don’t think so. I passed the salad place and said to myself, “Not today. Today is Tuesday. Tacos.”
Coping with Your Acquaintance’s Divorce
If your therapist asks you whether Jason is your father, calmly explain that he’s your college friend’s old roommate.