Due to the Pandemic, Our Hook-Handed Killers Will Now Be Terrorizing Teens Remotely
We will no longer attend and slaughter gatherings of more than 500 people. We will be sanitizing our hooks daily, and of course after each murder.
Tag: Health
Martha Stewart’s 10 Recipes for Quarantine Qooking
Day 27 - Fingerling Potato Sandwich... Use breath to warm four remaining potatoes, rip two pieces of old Amazon box into "bread" slices.
A Message from a Company You Are Somehow Still Receiving Emails from Regarding COVID-19
We are adjusting our policy of requiring sick employees to come into work so we can laugh at them for being frail and weak.
It’s Me, The Retail Worker You Don’t Think Deserves More Than $2/Hour but That You Expect to Be on the Frontlines of the Pandemic Response
Since you believe we’re immune to feelings, it only makes sense that you believe we’re immune to the coronavirus, too.
Top Eight Travel Destinations in March
The bedroom. The native language here has more than 50 known words to mean “anxiety” and the local motto is “we’re totally fucked.”
Job Hunting Tips to Find Your Next Exploiter, I Mean, Employer
In exchange for $0 an hour, disillusionment, and occasional sexual harassment, you get a letter of recommendation and two bullet points on a resume.
Can’t You Tell I’m Well-Traveled? I’ve Collected Many Diseases, Including Coronavirus
It is a well-known fact that only the most elite acquire specific, regional, life-threatening diseases as symbols of culture and refinement.
Help! My Head Is Being Consumed by an Octopus, But the CDC Says I Can’t Touch My Face
I’d ask someone to save me from this giant octopus, but how do I know their hands aren’t contaminated?
Could I Interest You in Bigfoot Insurance?
These uncovered trash bins might as well be a Bigfoot buffet. And one Bigfoot taking a dip in your pool will permanently clog the filter with hair.
Human Infant Parenting Tips from the Year 3521
Clear your neural browser cache before interfacing with your child’s subconscious. Good neural hygiene begins in your own prefrontal cortex!
My 2020 Self-Care Routine
I read an article called “Ten Reasons Why Crying is Good for You” and shed a few tears. For health reasons. I wonder what, exactly, flavonoids are.
Kaplan & The Knot Present: LSAT Logic Games Prep, Wedding Edition
Practice Set 1: Seating Chart Chaos: You and your fiance must seat 7 members of your bridal party (all of whom went to college together) at one table.