What to Say If Someone Offers You a Cigarette
I don’t want my future to go up in smoke. Sam is always watching. I don’t want to risk my chances of getting into a good college. Or my standing with Sam.
Tag: Health
What I Think Will Happen When I Become a Runner
My face won’t get all red and puffy, instead, it will take on a healthy glow, so much so that I will no longer need to wear makeup ever again.
Are You Taking a Family Photo or Undergoing a Colonoscopy?
- There’s no chance you’ll walk away with a flattering photo. - You don’t know what to do with your arms.
Our Farewell Tour Has Been Postponed
Sad news to report to Arrowhead fans: At a Cincinnati concert, bassist Valmer DeSota got his long hair stuck in the strings of his bass.
Join Me on a Doctor Crawl for My 26th Birthday
Join me on an epic day of going to all the doctors I’ve been avoiding since I was a teen and will no longer have access to!
I’m 90% Sure the Blood Bank’s New Email Marketer Is Dracula
FALL Under The Spell Of The New York Blood Center’s Impending Autumn Drive. Ah-Ah-AH!
Hey, I Was Out on a Run and Saw You Sitting Here at Brunch
I’m so jealous of guys like you who can just sit at a table like this for hours and hours without literally moving a muscle—must be nice.
Survey: Did You Like Our Ad for Anti-Anxiety Medication?
Please describe how you felt after reading the disclaimer, “You’re right—you are getting these ads more often than anyone else. Everyone knows this and is talking about it.”
Have You Even Lived?
Eaten an Oreo without twisting it open and gnawing out the cream; just bit right into that motherfucker.
Pelvic Floor Dilemmas for the Modern American Mom
You’re invited to a three-year-old’s birthday party where parents are—for some inexplicable reason—expected to join their children on the trampoline.
6 Times It’s Okay Not to Say Bless You When Someone Sneezed
In the hours leading up to the heist, the vault-code-deciphering guy walked around complaining about the high pollen count.
My Self-Driving Car Lets Me Focus On It Killing Me
Better to be in a state of terrified anxiety that your autopilot could end your life at any moment.