What Your NCAA Bracket Champion Says About You
Cincinnati Bearcats: You’ve watched a tournament game in a strip club. Iowa Hawkeyes: You lost money investing in Matthew Whittaker’s toilet company.
Tag: Health
Colonel Sanders Was a Union Officer and Will Therefore Not Be Cancelled
Sanders graduated from Transylvania University with honors in Afro-Caribbean Studies, Women and Sexuality Studies, and Herbalism ‘n’ Spicesism.
Yes, James Bond Did Disarm You With Considerable Ease, But You’re Still a Valued Member of This Organization!
You almost get your revolver out fast enough to subdue James Bond, and show everyone that experience counts more than a dearth of love handles.
Easy Steps to Getting Your Pre-Baby Body Back Before Leaving the Hospital
Yes, you have been up for twenty hours straight, but take this opportunity to focus on getting leaner and fitter.
8 Diet-Friendly Swaps That Will Make You Thin and Angry
Life isn’t about enjoying things. It’s about adhering to specific body norms! On your deathbed you won’t be wishing you ate more bonbons.
Please Arrest My White Collar Criminal Friend as Gently as Possible
You must place him ever so sweetly on a bed of cotton balls if you’re going to be transporting him to be booked for his many, many financial crimes.
A Guide to Determining Whether You Should Take Your Child to the Emergency Room
When do I get paid again? What is your payroll schedule? Do you get paid weekly, biweekly, monthly? How close are you to your next paycheck?
My Mother Watches the Oscars With Me
Oh, Christian Bale, nominated for playing a 60-year-old man with a potbelly who only thinks about himself. Your father could have played that role.
Teen Magazine Quizzes for Adults
Which teen heartthrob is the spitting image of someone you went to high school with but you can’t place? He definitely looks like someone… but who?
Republicans Deliver Thoughts and Prayers
From: Mike Pence Gracious Lord White Jesus, thank you for Chick-Fil-A. A family-friendly chicken restaurant that never uses the word “brea*t.”
Bill: You Have 13 Unread Emails from Change.org, Answer Them Right Now
(12/16/18 --- 10:46 AM) Bill-- 6-year-old Johnny Casin has some serious dirt on your ex-wife, Brittany.
Bring Unto Me Now This Kingly Delight!
Fetch this bar of chocolate that would serve two or three of my adoring subjects, but which I will eat entirely by mine own self, as is my right.