The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up
Lemon Water (8:25 AM): This is lemon water do you copy?! We have reached the epicenter of your gut.
Tag: Health
I Have a Passion for Ecologically Restoring the Habitat of the Beast
Wetland restoration is about creating a clean, oxygen-rich pit so that a seven-headed behemoth might emerge from its depths and enslave us all.
I’m Concerned My Cult Isn’t Sacrificing Enough Virgins
None of my fellow parishioners have invited me to partake in a communal sexual ritual to awaken the dead, or place a hex on targeted politicians.
Lin Manuel Miranda Said He’d Kill My Family If I Didn’t Inspire You This Morning
“Love is love is love Fun is fun is fun Wake up, stretch like a cat” Oh god. He’s taking out a knife.
The Body Isn’t a Wonderland: Some Suggestions to Improve Pregnancy
Is there any way to make the heartburn shoot actual flames out of our mouths? That would be a nice party trick.
10 Ways to Make Grandma’s Physician-Assisted Suicide Family Get-Together More Fun
Blindfold the assisting doctor and spin the doctor around for a silly game of "Pin the Lethal Injection on Grandma."
Season 8 “Game of Thrones” Predictions From Someone Who’s Never Watched It
Episode 5: Ed Sheeran Sings, Like, 4 Times And Then Dies: I heard he didn't even sing the last time he was on the show. This will be an upgrade.
Due to Unforeseen Circumstances, We Are Ending the “Kids Eat Free If They Can Kick the Manager’s Ass” Special
Doctors have diagnosed me with “early onset droopy ass syndrome,” contracted from getting your butt whooped too many times and is also irreversible
The Newborn’s Guide to Saving Up for Retirement
You can Airbnb your crib to other infants and sleep in your playpen. Make sure to charge them for the blanket, the mobile, and the cleaning fee.
Quiz: Are You Rupert Holmes’s Lady?
2. At your nephew’s bar mitzvah, Rupert “reluctantly” agrees to sing “Escape (the Piña Colada Song)” for the guests. What describes what happens next:
List: Hip Hop Artist or Item Found in Our Pediatrician’s Office?
Lìllèbaby? Big Freedia? Baby Tear$? Is it a French rapper? Or a needlessly complicated baby carrier?
Long Nights in Tabby Town
I hadn’t worked a case in a month and was hitting the sauce hard. It’s a gloopy brown sauce from a can of beef chunks--part of yesterday’s breakfast.