Drinking Games for American Politics in 2018
Sip a Mai Tai every time you fantasize about escaping to a beach somewhere where the alt-right will never find you.
Tag: Health
How to Peg Your Partner: A Step-by-Step Guide
After the kids are asleep and your partner has put the Kindle aside, remark on the lack of sexual activity between the two of you. Your partner yawns.
How to Let Your Child Know You’re Not Mad She Wants to Be an English Major, Just Disappointed
When she says she'll study “lesbian themes in Dickinson,” raise your eyebrows to remind her “your brother studied computer science and has a 401K.”
Highlights From Squanto’s Plymouth Colony Twitter Feed
“What’s the deal with @Massasoit contradicting himself everytime he mentions me in a tweet or talks to the press?”
No, I’m Not a Turkey Wearing a Mustache, It’s Me, Your Uncle Joe
Can I just say that this is hands down (speaking of hands, I’ve got two of ‘em) my favorite Thanksgiving to date?
Things I Would Rather Do at Thanksgiving Dinner Than Answer Questions About My Personal Life
Give a TED talk to my family titled "The Evolution of My Personal Blogs," except every time I would usually say “blog” I have to say “blerg.”
Man in 1888 Photo With a Metallica T-Shirt and Cell Phone is Not a Time Traveler
I mean what kind of shitty time traveler would quantum leap wearing a “Wherever I May Roam” T-shirt from the most kick-ass thrash metal concert ever?
The Essential Infowars Supplements
Super Male Vitality: We went to a gas station and bought every dick pill that we could. Then we crushed them up and put them into a vial.
The UK’s Secret Plans for a No-Deal Brexit
If the pound plummets to junk status, Great Britain will return to the barter system. Price will be decided according to value in livestock.
Belle’s Breakup Letter to the Beast
I need a strong, carnivorous lover, not a submissive creature of the field.
The Orb in the Woods Kids
The orb seemed pretty observant, too, so no doubt everyone’s unique powers would shed new light on their natural strengths and underlying weaknesses.
I Believe in the Rehabilitation of the Child I’m Asking You to Sentence to Life Without Parole
I’m not asking you to think about “scientific evidence” or “UN sanctions.” I’m asking you to incarcerate this child with your heart, like an American.