6 Times It’s Okay Not to Say Bless You When Someone Sneezed
In the hours leading up to the heist, the vault-code-deciphering guy walked around complaining about the high pollen count.
Tag: Health
My Self-Driving Car Lets Me Focus On It Killing Me
Better to be in a state of terrified anxiety that your autopilot could end your life at any moment.
Welcome to Vitamin Shoppe, Where We Spell Words and Treat Health like It’s 1446
Rid thyself of toxins after a night of mirth and meade with Rejuvipure.
People Talking About Dentist Appointments the Way They Talk About Basketball
Dr. Pacini’s always been good, but now he’s got the best hygienists in the business. They’re a root canal dream team.
20 New Year’s Resolutions to Try While You Wait for the Adderall Shortage to End
Add More Variety to Your Diet: You’ve either forgotten to eat or had eight meals today. Both count.
You Can Achieve All Your Dreams with No Sleep
It's the second night that gets tricky. That's when the bats come.
I Don’t Feel like the Dawn Dish Soap We Fed Those Ducks Covered in Oil Really Did Anything Helpful
Every time I tried to treat one, it would start freaking out and flapping its wings trying to fly away.
I’ll Buy Your Mushroom Superfood If You Promise to Stop Asking
The irony is that your mushroom superfood promises me more energy, which I wish I had now, so I could resist ordering it.
How to Stop with the Negative Self-Talk, You Dumb Annoying Idiot
The sooner you can recognize when you're talking down to yourself, the sooner you can stop already, Jesus.
I Am the Little Orange Man from Google Maps and I Would Appreciate It If You Stopped Dropping Me from 2 Million Feet in the Sky
If you’re wondering, in the moment you wait for me to land in Street View, I howl through the mesosphere, engulfed in flame.
The Superhero Known as The Vegan Fends Off Home Invaders
“Vegan! Give us ze classified recipes and ve vill let you live!” The Vegan’s former best friend-turned-nemesis, General Draganov, shouts.
Choosing Your Tinnitus Ringtone
Choose a ringtone that’s right for you, your lifestyle, and your tolerance for the incessant cacophony of crickets inside your head jar.