Hey, I Was Out on a Run and Saw You Sitting Here at Brunch
I’m so jealous of guys like you who can just sit at a table like this for hours and hours without literally moving a muscle—must be nice.
Tag: Health
Survey: Did You Like Our Ad for Anti-Anxiety Medication?
Please describe how you felt after reading the disclaimer, “You’re right—you are getting these ads more often than anyone else. Everyone knows this and is talking about it.”
Have You Even Lived?
Eaten an Oreo without twisting it open and gnawing out the cream; just bit right into that motherfucker.
Pelvic Floor Dilemmas for the Modern American Mom
You’re invited to a three-year-old’s birthday party where parents are—for some inexplicable reason—expected to join their children on the trampoline.
6 Times It’s Okay Not to Say Bless You When Someone Sneezed
In the hours leading up to the heist, the vault-code-deciphering guy walked around complaining about the high pollen count.
My Self-Driving Car Lets Me Focus On It Killing Me
Better to be in a state of terrified anxiety that your autopilot could end your life at any moment.
Welcome to Vitamin Shoppe, Where We Spell Words and Treat Health like It’s 1446
Rid thyself of toxins after a night of mirth and meade with Rejuvipure.
People Talking About Dentist Appointments the Way They Talk About Basketball
Dr. Pacini’s always been good, but now he’s got the best hygienists in the business. They’re a root canal dream team.
20 New Year’s Resolutions to Try While You Wait for the Adderall Shortage to End
Add More Variety to Your Diet: You’ve either forgotten to eat or had eight meals today. Both count.
You Can Achieve All Your Dreams with No Sleep
It's the second night that gets tricky. That's when the bats come.
I Don’t Feel like the Dawn Dish Soap We Fed Those Ducks Covered in Oil Really Did Anything Helpful
Every time I tried to treat one, it would start freaking out and flapping its wings trying to fly away.
I’ll Buy Your Mushroom Superfood If You Promise to Stop Asking
The irony is that your mushroom superfood promises me more energy, which I wish I had now, so I could resist ordering it.