Health | Page 33 | Points in Case

Tag: Health

Do not launder money through your birdhouse. It is a crime punishable by penalty of not getting to have a birdhouse anymore.

Sure, the freezing lake water feels like a thousand needles in your body. But sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that you can feel anything at all.

"Favorite sled." -- Charles Foster Kane, Citizen Kane

If I get cream cheese on my nose, don’t dare lick it off, for The Lord Your Dog is a jealous Dog when cream cheese is nigh, and whipped cream too.

8:00 p.m. --- Lunchtime! Wait, since when was it 8 p.m.? Have you not eaten anything today? Don’t panic. There’s a sleeve of Oreos on the table.

Froot Loops’ Toucan Sam is about as dreamy as tropical birds get. Father McGillicuddy had a much harder time wrapping his brain around this one.

OMG Literally Dead Plant: The most common millennial houseplant, it comes in all varieties that ultimately end the same way---dead AF.

Relatedly, I’m currently embroiled in a legal battle to divorce myself from my siblings to guarantee that I cannot be made an uncle against my will.

I offended my hosts yesterday when I criticized their dining options. I guess they don't recognize a paleo guru when they see one.

[God's pen is paused above the passage where Noah gets all fat and is lying drunk in a tent after surviving the flood.] ANGEL: Water balloon fight?

Einstein was a Ponytail Palm that my sister got me. Like the Einstein from Science, this Ponytail Palm had an eccentric intelligence, but no grace.

I want to do well, but every time I sit down to work, Steve makes me go on the internet and google “soccer stats” and “boobs” until the day is done.