My Breakouts Keep Taunting Me by Singing Blink-182’s “All the Small Things”
I noticed a small zit on my upper lip and could've sworn it had Tom DeLonge's whiny, edgy voice: "The night will go on, my little windmill..."
Tag: Health
The Most Elusive and Devious Threat to the North Korean Summit is Carmen Sandiego
Trump’s plan to top the gesture is to acquire a bigger, more ornate envelope! The world’s largest! Carmen Sandiego can't resist a prize like this.
Stuck: A Brief Exercise in Predetermination While Wedged in a Storm Drain
No, life is something to cherish. All these people who kick empty soda cans and throw pinecones at my face do so with pure intentions, I'm sure.
How to Have a Happy Relationship Even Though You’re Not Dating Mister Rogers
Fred had a song for every occasion: feeling happy, excited, blue. He even called it, “feeling blue,” and not “oh, so you’re taking another nap today?”
iOS 12 Will Help Fight Phone Addiction by Having Your High School Bully Threaten to Kick Your Ass if You So Much as Look at Your Phone
Swirlies, wet-willies, the thing where you step on the back of someone’s shoe and it comes off, ‘flat-tiring...’ It’ll all be in iOS 12.
Quiz: Are You a Client Whisperer?
Your client wants to suck the bone marrow out of your firstborn. What do you do? A. Respectfully ask that he reconsiders.
Dear Honorable Lord Hiring Manager, With Love and Respect
I have reduced stress by limiting my mental breakdown to three times a week. You would never guess that I've stress vomited in every campus bathroom!
It Takes More Muscles to Frown Than to Smile, and Even More Muscles to Lift This Vending Machine Off Me
I’d be willing to bet it takes dozens of muscles in the arms, legs, and torso to lift this soda machine off of my shattered body.
Do Not Buy a Star for Your Wife on Mother’s Day
If you do purchase a star on Star Registry for your wife, don’t tell her you named it Cougar15 because she's a cougar and you’ve been married for 15 years.
Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It, Is to Get My Stepson Keith to Stop Yelling “You’ve Got That Silly Putty Dick” at Me
You’re the best goddamned spy we’ve got in the service, but the day you TRULY become a spy is the day you get my stepson to show me some respect.
Unmailed Greeting Cards for My Therapist
Do you think I’m a nice person? Do you think I’m full of rage? Crap, I’m turning my apology into a plea for validation. I hate when I do that.
We’re Recruiting for Our Libertarian Utopia!
We had a few incidents in which some misused their legally acquired, weaponized smallpox strains, but that's a small price to pay for freedom.